Rachel Goodchild’s Good Advice: Is my relationship salvagable?

Rachel Goodchild’s Good Advice this morning on Sunrise

For those of you who aren’t on broadband….

Me and my partner have been dating for 4 going onto 5 years now, he was 18 and i was 22 when we first started dating now that he is 21 and i am now 25 we are always in each others faces if not that we are both hitting each other and i mean like i push him around and punch him and he does the same, we always comment on each other like he will say i am sleeping around and i will do the same to him cause he has in the past with his ex girlfriends and he always compares his ex’s to me if you get my drift……so the really question is WHAT IS WRONG AND DO WE EVEN HAVE A FUTURE??

When we are single, we tend to think that getting into a relationship is a sign we have somehow made it, that we are fixed enough to be with someone. Then we realise that there are many dysfunctional relationships, ones that are dangerous and unhealthy going on around us- and we are reminded that being in a couple doesn’t mean you’ve necessarily made it.

If there is violence on either side, or both it needs to stop. This is a destructive and unhealthy relationship that is stuck in a cycle of anger, abuse, then seeking comfort from each other after you’ve hurt each other.

If you want to fix it you can- but it will need to take both of you. Go to relate.org.nz and find out about receiving six free counseling sessions from them to see if these issues can be remedied. 

if your partner does not want counseling, you must ask yourself if this person you are living with is someone who is bringing out the best of you and you them? if not, why be with them? It sounds like this is a relationship between two very unhappy people hell bent on hurting the people they are meant to love the most. Respect yourself, prepare yourself and get your head putting down some very healthy boundaries to prevent this behaviour to continue.

 

rachel can you help me? I think my husband is having an affair but I am not sure. he has started using his cell phone all the time and gets really cagey- he doesn’t leave it around but guards it.

First- hooray for women’s intuition! We do know when something isn’t right. However as many men will attest- we don’t always get it right. First- reassure yourself- there is definitely something up. And it is likely to be something relating to a new romantic dalliance- though not always. However it might not be a fully fledged affair. The beginning of an affair, the flirtation part is where men and women are less careful. Partly because they are so infatuated and don’t notice, and sometimes because they want to be found out. It’s a little like being a teenager again- doing naughty stuff where part of the thrill is you might get caught.

Experienced cheaters then learn to take it away from that phone and hide it better. in fact long term affairs happen cos women ignore this first bit of intuition and then the guy can pretty much do what he wants from there on in.- so be glad that it’s at this stage.

The key is working out what you want to do. Do you want to confront, with the risk of losing him? Do you want to ignore it and hope it passes? – you’d be surprised how many women choose the second option. 

Snooping is often a huge temptation – but it doesn’t tend to pay. How would you deal with it if you do find something? It’s often not a constructive remedy. – and you get labelled a snoop- even if it’s justifiable. If you decide to bring this to a head, instead of leading in with “are you having an affair” instead say you are not happy, and you’d like to consider some counseling. It will help trigger a change into action and that alone may stop the affair from eventuating. Just make sure you are prepared for a bit of a rough ride over the next wee bit as you work it out.

Rachel Goodchild’s Good Advice: How to help kids after divorce

For those of you who missed out – here is my Rachel Goodchild’s Good Advice spot on TV3

Here are the written answers to the questions we covered:

1. I’m a 20 year old solo mother and i want to get get back with my ex partner the father to my child i think its really unfair for our son who is 2 in September we hardly see him and when i do i just want to be with him but he’s cheated on me twice so i don’t know if i can trust him again i just want us to be happy for my son and be a family what should i do??

Breaking upis hard enough in life without having to work out how to deal with the children too. There are two things going on here- your desire to get back with your ex, and your desire for him to be a more involved father. In the end you need to work out which one of these is your most important one- at twenty if you’ve got an ex who has cheated on you twice, trying to get back with him is not necessarily very healthy. Unless he’s prepared to go to counselling with you, and you work on thes issues, there are going to be big risks in restarting the relationship, which may cause even more heart break along the way. In regards to your son, I understand the pain of that all too well- we want our children to have both parents around- even if we can’t necessarily be with the father. You cannot control your ex’s behaviour towards your child, but you can control the other people you put into your son’s life. Build some rich and healthy relationships around your son with a range of people – and focus on moving on- for both your son and you own benefit. I’m not too sure how old your partner is, but if he’s around your age, he might need to do some growing up- and nothing you can do will help that happen any faster- unfortunately. The key is you and your son are supported and loved right now,where you are- without it coming from someone who is currently unwilling to commit…

2. I am having alot of issues with my daughter. We’ve just gone through a nasty marriage breakup and she’s really playing up- destroying toys and throwing huge temper tantrums. What can I do to help her- she just seems so angry

One of the hardest things about going through a crisis as a parent, is having to deal with your children’s crisis’s at the same time. Unfortunately that is where being a grown up can really stink sometimes. With an angry child it’s important to get to the root of why they are angry. We can suppose it’s for one reason when it may be another. Separation can cause huge amounts of grief in a child that can manifest as anger. They are more likely to short circuit and be angry when dealing with new situations. First, cut the whirlwind down around your own life and spend some time enjoying time with your child. Get them to sit with you for a quiet time every day- either by reading books, watching a dvd or just talking. Increase positive physical contact. Regular hugs diffuse anger more than anything else. Even when we are in the pits of despair we still need to act appropriately. So couple this extra “cuddly time” with really firm boundaries that reinforces the expected behaviours you need from your child. Anger is a normal reaction. It’s just a matter of loving your child back to the child she once was. Once it’s passed, you’ll find she’s a more resilient and confident child for it.

So am I getting played or is it all OK?

 

This morning I spoke on TV3’s Sunrise  about why you tend to attract the same sort of person when you’re dating (In this situation it was gay guys for a straight girl) and advice for a woman who’s partner has broken up with her- but is still ringing and expecting the odd booty calls.

If you’re stuck in a dating rut- dating the same sort of guy over and over it’s more about you than it is them. You are attracting the guys your psyche thinks it needs to be whole. So take some time out to develop new ideas, and then focus on dating a wide range of different people. During this time it is so important not to trust your own chemistry hints- because that part of you is geared towards a specific type. 

However what do you do if you’ve broken up with someone but he’s finding it hard to break the ties? Well human nature as it is means we’ll always take what we can get for free. if he can get all of you without needing to be in a relationship he will. This doesn’t make him a bad person- it makes him NORMAL. It’s up to you to work out what you will and will not allow him to have in your life- and the best thing is to go with very little to nothing. Otherwise you’re going to have to be very emotionally resilient.

Is it love to ask someone to lose weight?

I spoke on Sunrise this morning about whether a boyfriend’s request his partner lose 20 kilograms before he’ll marry her was a good thing, and how to manage a conflict of parenting issues when a teen is frittering money.

You can see what I had to say on the TV3 website or read below for the text version 

1. My boyfriend and I have been together 3.5 years and living together for 2 of those.  I’m a self confessed cuddly chick and have been a plus sized girl for most of my adult life – including the duration of my relationship.  I’d love to marry this man and stand up in front of our friends and family and declare my love for him and he says the same and will propose…if I lose 20kgs.  He says he loves me just the way I am yet any engagement comes with a condition attached?  I know it’s not reasonable but what do I do

 

Having struggled with weight all my life, this is a story I can understand- though i’ve never experienced it. There are a few things I’ve learnt about my own successful weight loss journey- it doesn’t matter how much your external pressure tells you to lose the weight- it HAS to come from inside you.

Having the main person in your life make a deeper commitment to you conditional on your weight loss will only serve to increase your struggle with your weight and your confidence in yourself. Wrongly or rightly the way we see ourselves is to some regard mirrored in how the people around us see us. If a guy is telling you in one breath he loves you, and in another saying you need to change to be what he wants- it’s taking you to a very conflicted place that will undermine your confidence. That alone can keep the weight around you like nothing else.

I say that loving a man who doesn’t love and accept you as the person you’ve always been, means maybe you are short selling who you are, and how you would be with someone who doesn’t make love conditional.

If you lose the weight, then marry, what happens if you put it back on again at a later date. Does that make the marriage null and void.

By the way- that’s not saying us plus size chicks shouldn’t lose weight. I’ve lost 38 kilograms myself, and will continue to lose weight, to ensure I’m healthy and feel confident about my body. But it will ALWAYS be because that decision comes from inside me, not because it’s going to make someone accept me more.

 

1. My daughter is turning 21. She lives at home, and we pay for all her board, food, and fees. She receives a school allowance and spends it on parties, clothes and entertainment. We’re in a really difficult position financially and I want her to start paying board, but my husband disagrees. She’s about to throw a party- whereas I barely have money to put petrol in my car. I don’t think it’s fair. Am I being unreasonable?

 

One of the best things we can do for our children as they grow is let them make their own mistakes, being the safety net in case they fall, rather than the protecter to stop them from failure. It’s the same for parents of a two year old, a fifteen year old, or someone in their twenties.

 

If you and your husband have reached an impasse about the money situation, that is actually a separate issue from your daughters management of money. Of course she’s going to blow the money if she’s got nothing essential to spend it on. However perhaps you could sell the benefits of charging her bond to your husband by saying the money can be used in the main as an enforced savings plan for your daughter. Even a nominal sum of fifty dollars a week can really help her learn to see the value of what you are providing, and give you a sense she is looking after the money. It will help to teach her to manage money better. I know the fact I had poor money management as a teen, with several well paid jobs and nothing specific to spend it on developing some fairly bad spending and lack of savings habits.

 

Suggest to your husband that he and you have a choice- to either charge board or to up her responsibility at home. There are often 21 year olds doing less than the average eight year old to help out around the home- and that isn’t loving your child, it’s setting them up to be a person unprepared for the world. Love is as much about healthy limits and responsibilities as it is about warm hugs and loving words.

 

Don’t go breaking my heart…

We’re covering some pretty major issues in Sunrise’s Rachel Goodchild’s Good Advice spot. I’m pretty humbled at the types of things people think i can help them with- this week we covered how to get over being stood up, and then we talked about what to do if you’re married to a control freak.

I think the biggest lesson I’ve learnt in my life is that by looking after number one, you also end up looking after your dependants. Once children are involved we think leaving a destructive relationship is going to do them a huge injustice. However we all, as a general rule, need to be more proactive as adults to creating a life where all our needs are being met- which includes our emotional, physical and spiritual. 

A controlling relationship is just another abusive relationship. It’s hard to step back from it when you are in it and see it for what it is, but it’s never a good thing to be living in.

If you’re in a relationship that’s leaching all your live and spark out of you, remember the person you once were. And start talking to people. Find a safe ear and use it. Just that alone might be the thing you need to do to find a way out – either by changing your own behaviour so they no longer can control you, or by leaving.

And if you have children, learning to do just that gives you far greater opportunity to demonstrate love, laughter and light than staying still in a destructive relationship.

Breaking up is hard to do

Dealing with big questions in a five minute time slot is always hard- and this week was no exception.

This week on Sunrise we covered two heart breaking situations- how to deal with break ups and how to tell your child their dad doesn’t want to see them anymore. You can see what I said on the Sunrise TV3 website.

If you are going through a break up set yourself some good wallowing time. Set a time limit on it and go all out. Like any grief we need time to just be in the horribleness of it. As you come out of it, make a list of cool things to do and start acting on them. No matter how awesome a relationship was or is, there are always things we like doing as singles that are harder to accomplish in a couple. So do them

Network with friends and remember- we can’t control what others do to us, but we can control our reaction to them

The woman with an ex who no longer wants to see his children was a very sad story. The key here is to treat your own child with respect- and without getting personal, gently explain that their dad isn’t in a place where he can see them at the moment. Be honest and say it is the wrong thing to do, but without slaggin him off or being nasty. Keep it as matter of fact as you can.

The key is to make sure your child has your rock of support, love and encouragement as well as other key people is not the actions in our lives that shape us- it’s how we learn to react to them.

Still one of the more horrible things any child should have to go through through really…

SUNRISE TV3: Rachel Goodchild tackles forgiving and overindulging

This morning on TV3’s Sunrise , I spoke on whether or not you should forgive someone who’s hurt you badly and then how ot stop overeating and over spending.

Click on the link above to see the bit. if you don’t have broadband my answers are below:

The really interesting thing about forgiving someone is it has NOTHING ot do with them. The benefits of forgiveness is all ours. Negative emotions sap our positivity and stop us from really enjoying life. Why give him all that power? Forgive him not for him- but for yourself- so that you can start to really enjoy life and open up your world a little.
A good way to start the process is to imagine all the stress held tightly in your hands, then opening your hands up and watching it all be carried away by the wind. It’s about letting go- and the cool thing is this then allows us to let in some good stuff instead.

2.I am going through a difficult stage of my life at the moment. I have started, not only comfort eating but comfort spending as well. I just can’t help myself.I see various things in shops and magazines and I want them. It’s so easy to get out my credit card and spend, spend, spend. There is a lot more too it than this but, I don’t know what it is
 
answer:
ahh modern day stress relief. The key is we default to these things at it feels easier and comforting when actually it isn’t in the long run- both over eating and over spending lead to more stress in the end.
I’ve battled with both of these myself before, but what I did that worked and continued ot work is sit dow with a friend or two and brainstorm a pile of good for me, low cost things to do or buy that treat me. For example going and having a coffee by myself with a new trashy magazine, or walking the beach, or buying a book of ten movie tickets and hiving off to a movie by myself.
Everyone’s list will be different- the key is not to feel like you are depriving yourself, but that you are substituting it for something just as much, but doesn’t leave a dirty (or calorie ridden) taste in your mouth, and an empty wallet.

So, in your mind what would the “french experience” entail?

My Rachel Goodchild’s Good Advice bit on Sunrise this morning was all about accidentally dating a married man, and whether a guy who has broken up with you is still secretly into you.

But what interested me was Carly’s suggestion to enjoy the full French Experience (the girl who was dumped is planning to go to France.) It sounds fun- but I’m not too sure what it might be. Anyone care to guess? Me thinks it’s not just black coffee and a small pastry!

For those of you wanting some good advice on national television email sunrise (you don’t need to leave any identifying information and it’s all anonymous!) I’d love to help you get it sorted.

Oh and I was wearing more great clothes from Zebrano this morning. I got to wear some of the winter Euphoria range- which I love.

Rachel Goodchild’s Good Advice: Workplace Bullying and Annoying MILs

I had my first piece on Sunrise on TV3 this morning talking about mother in laws and work place bullying.

Here is the link  to Rachel Goodchild’s Good Advice for those of you who missed it.

I’ve blogged the information on Mother In Laws on this blog already, but have added the information on workplace bullying for people who need that information below:

I was bullied at work last year. I did a few things to resolve the issue. The first thing is you need to work out the potential costs to you. Are you prepared to walk away from your job if it doesn’t work out? it’s important to weigh up all potential costs before you begin.
1. collect evidence. any emails, note any public bullying, provide documentation
2. collect support. are others being bullied? Collect evidence together that may help
3. Go to the top. Recognise you are talking to a friend of the person, but say it needs to be resolved. Personal grievances can cost alot of money to a company if there is evidence. they will want to sort it.
4. If they don’t sort it, and it’s endemic in the company consider long term effects to you. Perhaps this job is bad for your long term health. Even in this climate a bad job can be worse than no job!

Help, my mother in law is driving my crazy!

Since I’m no longer married, I no longer have a mother in law, but mother in law problems are all too common. You meet someone, fall in love, then discover their family isn’t just like yours and you really don’t like the woman. or…you think they don’t like you.

I spoke about this on Sunrise this morning, on my new spot Rachel Goodchild’s Good Advice.

For those who missed it…(and there will be a link coming soon) Here is what I said…

The main problems with MIL relationships is basically it’s a battle of the dominant relationship between you and your partner , and them and their mother. And it needs to be resolved or one of the relationships is going to break down
Two things need to happen here.
1. This is the biggie for you. Accept your MIL may never change. And there is nothing we can do about it. They may never like you, get on with you, be nice to you. And the truth is, it’s their loss. Allow yourself to grieve for the perfect MIL you never had, then move on. It’s going to be ok. One of the hardest things to accept is we can change no ones behaviour except our own. So from today, right now, decide that no matter what happens, it’s not going to bother you. Be the better person in this.
2. But while we are doing that…. people erk us because our boundaries are not in place. So there may need to be some boundary shifting going on- and this is where your husband comes in. Your primary relationship is with each other- not with his mother. So you both need to come up with some firm, fair guidelines and then stick to them about the level of contact you will have with the MIL when she acts up. And stick to it.You DON’T have to have to talk to her for more than five to ten minutes at a time, you do not have to have her around at times that don’t suit you, and you don’t need to cope with abuse. Put the boundaries down, have them agreed on with your husband, then stick to them. And if she reacts- that’s ok- that is HER issue. Own your own boundaries, feel good about them and let her sort out her own reactions. Treat her like a grown up- even if she doesn’t act like one!