Rachel Goodchild’s Good Advice: Is my relationship salvagable?

Rachel Goodchild’s Good Advice this morning on Sunrise

For those of you who aren’t on broadband….

Me and my partner have been dating for 4 going onto 5 years now, he was 18 and i was 22 when we first started dating now that he is 21 and i am now 25 we are always in each others faces if not that we are both hitting each other and i mean like i push him around and punch him and he does the same, we always comment on each other like he will say i am sleeping around and i will do the same to him cause he has in the past with his ex girlfriends and he always compares his ex’s to me if you get my drift……so the really question is WHAT IS WRONG AND DO WE EVEN HAVE A FUTURE??

When we are single, we tend to think that getting into a relationship is a sign we have somehow made it, that we are fixed enough to be with someone. Then we realise that there are many dysfunctional relationships, ones that are dangerous and unhealthy going on around us- and we are reminded that being in a couple doesn’t mean you’ve necessarily made it.

If there is violence on either side, or both it needs to stop. This is a destructive and unhealthy relationship that is stuck in a cycle of anger, abuse, then seeking comfort from each other after you’ve hurt each other.

If you want to fix it you can- but it will need to take both of you. Go to relate.org.nz and find out about receiving six free counseling sessions from them to see if these issues can be remedied. 

if your partner does not want counseling, you must ask yourself if this person you are living with is someone who is bringing out the best of you and you them? if not, why be with them? It sounds like this is a relationship between two very unhappy people hell bent on hurting the people they are meant to love the most. Respect yourself, prepare yourself and get your head putting down some very healthy boundaries to prevent this behaviour to continue.

 

rachel can you help me? I think my husband is having an affair but I am not sure. he has started using his cell phone all the time and gets really cagey- he doesn’t leave it around but guards it.

First- hooray for women’s intuition! We do know when something isn’t right. However as many men will attest- we don’t always get it right. First- reassure yourself- there is definitely something up. And it is likely to be something relating to a new romantic dalliance- though not always. However it might not be a fully fledged affair. The beginning of an affair, the flirtation part is where men and women are less careful. Partly because they are so infatuated and don’t notice, and sometimes because they want to be found out. It’s a little like being a teenager again- doing naughty stuff where part of the thrill is you might get caught.

Experienced cheaters then learn to take it away from that phone and hide it better. in fact long term affairs happen cos women ignore this first bit of intuition and then the guy can pretty much do what he wants from there on in.- so be glad that it’s at this stage.

The key is working out what you want to do. Do you want to confront, with the risk of losing him? Do you want to ignore it and hope it passes? – you’d be surprised how many women choose the second option. 

Snooping is often a huge temptation – but it doesn’t tend to pay. How would you deal with it if you do find something? It’s often not a constructive remedy. – and you get labelled a snoop- even if it’s justifiable. If you decide to bring this to a head, instead of leading in with “are you having an affair” instead say you are not happy, and you’d like to consider some counseling. It will help trigger a change into action and that alone may stop the affair from eventuating. Just make sure you are prepared for a bit of a rough ride over the next wee bit as you work it out.

Rachel Goodchild’s Good Advice: Lying Exs and Jealous Friends

Rachel Goodchild’s Good Advice on TV3’s Sunrise this morning was about how to cope with being wrongly accused by exs in custody battles, and what to do when your friends start spending time without you?

How do you deal when your ex makes lies up and you have to go to court over it. Now we’ve been in court for 2 years over access and day to day care.

 

Being wrongly accused is one of the most hurtful, frustrating and anger causing things we can experience. It leaves us feeling powerless, and it often brings up in us feelings of wanting to act out in the way we’ve been accused just because we can no longer see the point.

I strongly strongly believe that the truth always finds its way out- even if it’s not for a very long time.

Sometimes, when everything is out of our control, all we can do is decide that no matter what, we will walk right. And it’s an every day, every hour, and every moment decision.

You still may lose the court case, you still may have everything go wrong- but you’ll have walked with integrity, and been all you can be. It’s not a miracle cure- but I do believe at some stage, if the courts do not rule in your favour, it will be noticed by your children.

We can sink to someone else’s expectations of us, or we can choose to walk a path of living to our own standards of morality and belief. The thing is – the more we live a life that matches up to our integrity, the more people around us are more prepared to stand up and speak in our favour.

Start your day with gratitude, try and focus on small victories, and remind yourself, the truth will one day out itself.

Also, if you’ve got no one to talk to about this- make sure you get support somehow- with one to two people you can trust. Support on your side is crucial to succeeding through all of this.

 

 

 

 

 

I was wondering what you think about jealousy and friendship?

 

I have a friend that I have introduced to other friends (and a cousin) of mine, and now she communicates with these people independently.  Another friend just said to me that I should be pleased that I have great friends that all get along, but I still feel a bit left out.

 

Jealousy is actually about our insecurity in what our worth is as a person. The really annoying thing is the more insecure we feel about our own worth, the more we become less desirable to hang around with- people can sniff out insecurity a mile off, and either avoid you like the plague, or like being around people who are insecure and prey on it – often making you more insecure in the process.

The only way to get on top of it is to invest time and effort into recognising your own worth. There is this awesome moment when you suddenly stop worrying (for the most part) what other people will think, or react when you are just you, and it’s so attractive to others. You don’t feel jealous anymore because you know your friendship is secure no matter what they do in relation to new relationships.

If we hold on to something tightly there is no room either for it to grow, or for us to accept new opportunities. If you’re feeling jealous, try visualising holding that relationship tightly in a clenched fist, then watch it unfold as you open your hand out, and see it grow.

Rachel Goodchild’s Good Advice: How to help kids after divorce

For those of you who missed out – here is my Rachel Goodchild’s Good Advice spot on TV3

Here are the written answers to the questions we covered:

1. I’m a 20 year old solo mother and i want to get get back with my ex partner the father to my child i think its really unfair for our son who is 2 in September we hardly see him and when i do i just want to be with him but he’s cheated on me twice so i don’t know if i can trust him again i just want us to be happy for my son and be a family what should i do??

Breaking upis hard enough in life without having to work out how to deal with the children too. There are two things going on here- your desire to get back with your ex, and your desire for him to be a more involved father. In the end you need to work out which one of these is your most important one- at twenty if you’ve got an ex who has cheated on you twice, trying to get back with him is not necessarily very healthy. Unless he’s prepared to go to counselling with you, and you work on thes issues, there are going to be big risks in restarting the relationship, which may cause even more heart break along the way. In regards to your son, I understand the pain of that all too well- we want our children to have both parents around- even if we can’t necessarily be with the father. You cannot control your ex’s behaviour towards your child, but you can control the other people you put into your son’s life. Build some rich and healthy relationships around your son with a range of people – and focus on moving on- for both your son and you own benefit. I’m not too sure how old your partner is, but if he’s around your age, he might need to do some growing up- and nothing you can do will help that happen any faster- unfortunately. The key is you and your son are supported and loved right now,where you are- without it coming from someone who is currently unwilling to commit…

2. I am having alot of issues with my daughter. We’ve just gone through a nasty marriage breakup and she’s really playing up- destroying toys and throwing huge temper tantrums. What can I do to help her- she just seems so angry

One of the hardest things about going through a crisis as a parent, is having to deal with your children’s crisis’s at the same time. Unfortunately that is where being a grown up can really stink sometimes. With an angry child it’s important to get to the root of why they are angry. We can suppose it’s for one reason when it may be another. Separation can cause huge amounts of grief in a child that can manifest as anger. They are more likely to short circuit and be angry when dealing with new situations. First, cut the whirlwind down around your own life and spend some time enjoying time with your child. Get them to sit with you for a quiet time every day- either by reading books, watching a dvd or just talking. Increase positive physical contact. Regular hugs diffuse anger more than anything else. Even when we are in the pits of despair we still need to act appropriately. So couple this extra “cuddly time” with really firm boundaries that reinforces the expected behaviours you need from your child. Anger is a normal reaction. It’s just a matter of loving your child back to the child she once was. Once it’s passed, you’ll find she’s a more resilient and confident child for it.

Leaving on a Jet Plane…..

Three years ago this week I left my marriage. In fact I quietly packed a bag, put the children in the car, and as we drove up the drive I said “How would you guys like to go to auckland today?” 

I knew I wasn’t going back- the marks on my throat were nothing to the marks on my spririt- and I knew it was today, or I might never get the choice to leave next time. The fact I had to re appear a few hours later, with police supervision was terrifying- but I did it, and then I was free.

It’s been an amazing three years- and I’ve learnt an awful lot about myself and relationships. I’ve also learnt alot about where any of our problems start. Even in an abusive marriage- the problem is not with the abuser- it’s with the person not standing up and walking away from it the moment it first begins.

Once you are trapped in a cycle of abuse, it gets harder and harder to leave. It took me seven years to work out things were getting worse not better- and even though it’s cost me in terms of friendships, faith, home life and family times, it’s still been worth it- for everyone in fact. in fact my ex has a lovely new partner- and it’s good! 

It’s interesting however- as someone who has left a marriage I’m often expected to play the “I don’t believe in marriage” card. But I do. I believe that two flawed people can come together and make a great combination of both thier good and bad points. 

In the last three years I’ve seen marriages fall apart in front of me for a whole lot of different reasons. Violence and abuse is always a very good reason to leave- unless very strong and supervised hands come in to look after both people and monitor it. But I still think for many of us, giving up has become really a little too easy.

Take a 20+ year marriage, with a few children and add the day to day stresses of life, finances, differing opinions and difficulties. A few speed bumps have to be expected along the way. And that’s ok. Temptations and distractions are not wrong in this time frame- it’s what you do with those distractions that makes a difference. 

I’ve heard of women throwing men out on the strength of one dodgy text, but they’re not sleeping with their husbands so what do they expect?- or women checking out online dating sites because their husband has worked till 11pm every night for the last month and it’s just something to do but have not once said to thier husband “Stop, because I need you more than the house, the car, the mortgage”  

This week- if you’re in a long term marriage or relationship, and it’s not violent or abusive….

Sit down for ten minutes alone and think of one good thing you like about your partner. Then go tell them. It’s a cool way to start July…

much love and hugs..

Rachel

So am I getting played or is it all OK?

 

This morning I spoke on TV3’s Sunrise  about why you tend to attract the same sort of person when you’re dating (In this situation it was gay guys for a straight girl) and advice for a woman who’s partner has broken up with her- but is still ringing and expecting the odd booty calls.

If you’re stuck in a dating rut- dating the same sort of guy over and over it’s more about you than it is them. You are attracting the guys your psyche thinks it needs to be whole. So take some time out to develop new ideas, and then focus on dating a wide range of different people. During this time it is so important not to trust your own chemistry hints- because that part of you is geared towards a specific type. 

However what do you do if you’ve broken up with someone but he’s finding it hard to break the ties? Well human nature as it is means we’ll always take what we can get for free. if he can get all of you without needing to be in a relationship he will. This doesn’t make him a bad person- it makes him NORMAL. It’s up to you to work out what you will and will not allow him to have in your life- and the best thing is to go with very little to nothing. Otherwise you’re going to have to be very emotionally resilient.

How come every guy I date cheats on me?

I get asked this question or one similar alot. Why are all guys cheaters? Why do I date players? or Why can’t I find a normal guy?

It’s tempting to look at the guys you’re dating and put it all on them, but if you’re going out with the same type of guy over and over again it is not a coincidence. It’s actually more about you than them. It starts with you. if you have dating patterns you are attracting the same type of guys over and over again because you are giving out signals they find attractive.

How do you stop the cycle? Well the best way is to stop. Completely. Take a break and stop dating. Find out about yourself, and enjoy your own company. And take some time to think about what it is that you found so attractive about those guys in the first place.

Break the pattern. It’s one of the reasons we can’t rely on chemistry alone. Chemistry only works if we’ve got our heads and hearts sorted. if we’re hurting and damaged the chemistry dynamic is also faulty and going to give us the wrong connection every time.

Once you’ve taken a good break form dating date a wide selection of people, including guys you wouldn’t normally go for. This helps you see aspects of healthy relationships across a wide range of people to help you work out what you could have and find

Stop dating cheaters, stop blaming them for cheaters, and get yourself sorted. Who wants to be stuck in a ground hog day of crappy partners? It’s worth making a few changes to stop that from happening.

He’s got a girlfriend but he keeps on flirting with me…

… does that mean he’s about to ditch the girl and go for me?

Ok Girls….let’s  be honest – who hasn’t thought this at least once or twice in your life time. And it feels like he likes you- in fact he often goes to great lengths NOT to mention the girlfriend.

I met someone last year who I spent a great deal of time with over more than six months who never quite managed to tell me he had a girlfriend. He wasn’t cheating on her- we never did anything more than hang out- but I still felt pretty silly when I found out he was living with someone. Because there is a certain amount of choice involved with hanging out with someone you know is coupled up but you’ll often let your guard down a little more if you think they are single.

I later discovered he’d done the same to about three of four other women- building close relationships, without mentioning the girlfriend. And i have at least five friends going through a similar thing at the moment- having close, flirty friendships with people who either didn’t mention the girlfriend for ages or  seem to be having girlfriend issues, but never quite making the break.

So is this all some sort of nasty man game? well kind of, but in all fairness, half the time us girls allow it to happen. We are the very best at reading into things that aren’t happening (I have learnt, if you’re not questioning about it, it means the feeling is generally fully reciprocated) and we also are often very flattered at the attention.

the problem is so are they. They have a girlfriend and a security blanket- you are the pep they’ve got as back up in case they need it any time soon. Why give it away having both of you by ditching the girlfriend for you? To be honest I can see it makes sense even if I’ve not enjoyed being the security blanket myself.  

If you are the security blanket, go remove yourself from the situation. He’s certainly not going to (Why would he? He’s got a girlfriend and someone who likes him hanging around)- and all that’s going to happen is you’re going to either get very frustrated or hurt. Neither of which is really a very good end to a flirtation that started off so well.

Is social networking ruining your social life?

When I first started internet dating I discovered it could really play with your head. You’d be talking to someone, you’d be dating them, and then if you logged on, you’d see them online , probably chatting to other girls (damn that green online light!) I foind a great way to combat it- I just changed my settings so that other people couldn’t tell I was online, and just didn’t look them up. After all, dating in the early stages is all about deciding whether people are right- and sometimes that means people will keep on chatting to people. I also discovered that you can make friends on these sites that you chat to without it being about anything other than friendship.

The thing is if I’d been dating someone who I’d met in real life I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. I would  have just assumed they (and I ) were living out our lives, and then would enjoy the next date without any of the angst. 

it’s so easy to see if someone is online. We have online status everywhere from dating sites, to MSN, to facebook, and to a degree twitter. And we can’t just see whether they are on line- we can often see exactly what they were thinking or doing only moments before. Nothing seems private anymore. (It’s a stalkers dream really)

When Jennifer Anniston broke up with John Mayer apparently because he was saying he was too busy, but still tweeting to his followers it became clear that the allure of connecting with many is often far more than the thought of connecting with one. And no one is immune to being caught up in it. The “I’m busy ” excuse has always been seen as a brush off to women- and here was proof once and for all that it was true “I’m busy” never means “I’m busy”. It means “You are no longer as important as…. (fill in the gaps). When that thing is twitter, or facebooking it’s gotta sting.

For many of us (and this social networking whore would be right in there with you) has our love of connecting with a crowd surpassed our desire for real life one to one interactions with others?

The thing is one to one relationships are far scarier. we have our own thoughts and actions mirrored in the reactions of the people we directly relate to. When we use facebook or twitter to communicate we can get some of the same buzz of socialising without any of the checks and balances real life gives us. I’ve said before on here that I am more comfortable in front of a crowd of thousands than with an audience of one (it’s a Joan Baez quote). But as I’m aware of this, I’m actively trying to change it. I think, as much as I love the outpouring streams of consciousness social networking sites brings, the friendships I’ve made through it, and the connections with people I certainly would never have met otherwise, it’s the one to one in depth relationships that are going to bring both me and the other person the deepest benefit.

If it’s getting to the stage where most of your friends are online, or connected to you via the internet alone, then what are you missing out on just outside your front door? 

I’m still a social networking whore, who is also lucky enough to have a vibrant and rich social life I love. I don’t think you need one at the cost of the other, but if it comes down to choice, choose the real instead of the virtual. Don’t let social networking ruin your social life.

It’s just not my scene

I went to see The Scene on Wednesday night at the recommendation of a friend who felt its topic may be blog worthy. And as I’m writing a blog on it, he was right (damn people being right- how dare they! :D)

The play is based around Charlie- an almost middle aged (ok he was in his late thirties which is so NOT middle age anymore as middle age is so definitely now fifties – right????) has been actor living with his successful wife Stella, feeling swamped bythe fact he’s a kept man…. and then Clea, an 18 year old stilettoed, stockinged and LBD wearing blonde appears…

I suppose it’s simple to guess what happens next. What I found most interesting however wasn’t Charlie or Clea, but Charlie’s wife Stella.

There is a scene in the play when Charlie is leaving her, when he says he just can not handle her goodness- the fact she supports him, she pays for him, she even is prepared to forgive him….That if she just had the self dignity to not, that would have made a difference before.

I strongly believe more marriages would work, and be saved if women remembered keep on being being a little selfish. I’m not talking nasty selfishness, but rather remembering to put your needs right up there, looking after yourself by taking your own time out, and not always being the first to yield. It’s about knowing taking time alone to regenerate, to feel good and to energise your body, also helps the marriage as well.

One of my favourite old fashioned sayings is “Her strength is enrobed with gentleness” which reminds us that you can have both. We don’t need to be perfect at the cost of our own selves….

Clea is attractive to Charlie for more than the gorgeous body. The fact she sees and recognises him is man alive, as someone who can conquer is what he loves. unfortunately just saying you can see it doesn’t make it so…

I completely used to be the sort of person who didn’t understand forgiveness is not allowing something that is wrong to continue. We all need to forgive another’s wrongs- for the benefit of our own selves at least. But unless they realise that what they’ve done is wrong, and they need to move out of it, we don’t actually have to accommodate their behaviour. That is definitely NOT my scene.

Like a Virgin

I’ve been thinking about bad girls recently. Namely what constitutes a bad girl and whether it’s good to be one. Which in itself of course sounds a little contradictory.

I personally strongly dislike the delineation between bad and good in terms of our sexual behaviour. I think there are certainly some behaviours that could be explained as unhealthy, but not in terms of actually acts, but more in if it is having a negative impact to either your confidence and self image, or your partners.

The Madonna Whore complex was a Freudian theory. I’m not always a fan of him and his theories, and accordingly to him it’s always our parents fault, which I think is fairly childish (at some point we need to own our own behaviour) but I do agree that for some men and women, there is a sense that bad girls do things good girls don’t, that they are great for sex and fooling around, but certainly not good relationship material.

I have spent the last few days asking people to email and message me about what constitutes a good or bad girl. I’ve been surprised at the results- there is a definite gender bias!

Women tend to think a bad girl is the same as a good girl. They do the same things, but just more often and with more partners. Which I guess is another way of saying a bad girl is a skank.

Men on the other hand were far more explicit. They like porn, want to try threesomes, like anal, spanking, riding crops, corsets, talking about sex (hmmm I’m in TROUBLE!), and interestingly more than few said they are often Spanish. (Which was intriguing) 

However they also said they are like this BUT they also tend ot have a screw loose, are weird, dangerous to be in a  relationship with and unbalanced. They were girls that guys want to have sex with, or fantasise about, or with, but not have a relationship with.

Which makes me think that it’s a tricky choice being a good girl or a bad girl. I tend to think we should stop seeing sex as bad anyway. Not everything fun is naughty – or is that part of the pull?

Can you be both a bad girl and a good girl? Maybe this difference in male and female thinking is at the crux of why so many women feel they can’t find a good man…. they are looking for a guy who allows them to be both, rather than one or the other.

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