Rachel Goodchild’s Good Advice: Is my relationship salvagable?

Rachel Goodchild’s Good Advice this morning on Sunrise

For those of you who aren’t on broadband….

Me and my partner have been dating for 4 going onto 5 years now, he was 18 and i was 22 when we first started dating now that he is 21 and i am now 25 we are always in each others faces if not that we are both hitting each other and i mean like i push him around and punch him and he does the same, we always comment on each other like he will say i am sleeping around and i will do the same to him cause he has in the past with his ex girlfriends and he always compares his ex’s to me if you get my drift……so the really question is WHAT IS WRONG AND DO WE EVEN HAVE A FUTURE??

When we are single, we tend to think that getting into a relationship is a sign we have somehow made it, that we are fixed enough to be with someone. Then we realise that there are many dysfunctional relationships, ones that are dangerous and unhealthy going on around us- and we are reminded that being in a couple doesn’t mean you’ve necessarily made it.

If there is violence on either side, or both it needs to stop. This is a destructive and unhealthy relationship that is stuck in a cycle of anger, abuse, then seeking comfort from each other after you’ve hurt each other.

If you want to fix it you can- but it will need to take both of you. Go to relate.org.nz and find out about receiving six free counseling sessions from them to see if these issues can be remedied. 

if your partner does not want counseling, you must ask yourself if this person you are living with is someone who is bringing out the best of you and you them? if not, why be with them? It sounds like this is a relationship between two very unhappy people hell bent on hurting the people they are meant to love the most. Respect yourself, prepare yourself and get your head putting down some very healthy boundaries to prevent this behaviour to continue.

 

rachel can you help me? I think my husband is having an affair but I am not sure. he has started using his cell phone all the time and gets really cagey- he doesn’t leave it around but guards it.

First- hooray for women’s intuition! We do know when something isn’t right. However as many men will attest- we don’t always get it right. First- reassure yourself- there is definitely something up. And it is likely to be something relating to a new romantic dalliance- though not always. However it might not be a fully fledged affair. The beginning of an affair, the flirtation part is where men and women are less careful. Partly because they are so infatuated and don’t notice, and sometimes because they want to be found out. It’s a little like being a teenager again- doing naughty stuff where part of the thrill is you might get caught.

Experienced cheaters then learn to take it away from that phone and hide it better. in fact long term affairs happen cos women ignore this first bit of intuition and then the guy can pretty much do what he wants from there on in.- so be glad that it’s at this stage.

The key is working out what you want to do. Do you want to confront, with the risk of losing him? Do you want to ignore it and hope it passes? – you’d be surprised how many women choose the second option. 

Snooping is often a huge temptation – but it doesn’t tend to pay. How would you deal with it if you do find something? It’s often not a constructive remedy. – and you get labelled a snoop- even if it’s justifiable. If you decide to bring this to a head, instead of leading in with “are you having an affair” instead say you are not happy, and you’d like to consider some counseling. It will help trigger a change into action and that alone may stop the affair from eventuating. Just make sure you are prepared for a bit of a rough ride over the next wee bit as you work it out.