You could be happy

I remember when this song came out a few years ago. I’d just broken up from my first big relationship since my marriage had ended. I listened to this song again and again and again. Nothing like wallowing in pity through music!

The ironic thing is I’m really the other side of this song in many ways. I’ve really discovered so much about myself since I left my marriage. I felt a weight came off and I was no longer shadowed under the heavy weight of all the marriage stress. I began to feel like I was unfolding, finding myself. I still feel like there has been a gradually opening of myself- to freedom of self, to confidence no matter what. Sure I still have bad days, but that general feeling continues to grow and cement itself inside me

I thought it was due to all the bad stuff going on in my marriage- the violence, the illness, the constant change, worry and stress. But after I got a letter from a friend a realised it’s not the level of bad stuff that reduces our ability to be who we fully are- it can just be the fact the combination of us, and them was just plain not the best option for either of us. This person’s marriage didn’t end for any big factor. It just wasn’t right. 

This is what the person said:

It is just hard for me to come to terms with the fact that somehow I created a shadow so great that she didn’t grow and realise some of her potential.  She is kick arse now

A good relationship will bring out of ourselves more of us than we ever imagine possible. A bad relationship will do the reverse. It doesn’t need to be violent, but a dysfunctional relationship is soul destroying to at least one person in a marriage.

I’ve seen some truly amazing marriages and relationships in the last year. They are full of love, of laughter and a heathy appreciation of both partners. They work

But a bad relationship? it’s better to be single. Happier. Definitely.

Rachel Goodchild’s Good Advice: Lying Exs and Jealous Friends

Rachel Goodchild’s Good Advice on TV3’s Sunrise this morning was about how to cope with being wrongly accused by exs in custody battles, and what to do when your friends start spending time without you?

How do you deal when your ex makes lies up and you have to go to court over it. Now we’ve been in court for 2 years over access and day to day care.

 

Being wrongly accused is one of the most hurtful, frustrating and anger causing things we can experience. It leaves us feeling powerless, and it often brings up in us feelings of wanting to act out in the way we’ve been accused just because we can no longer see the point.

I strongly strongly believe that the truth always finds its way out- even if it’s not for a very long time.

Sometimes, when everything is out of our control, all we can do is decide that no matter what, we will walk right. And it’s an every day, every hour, and every moment decision.

You still may lose the court case, you still may have everything go wrong- but you’ll have walked with integrity, and been all you can be. It’s not a miracle cure- but I do believe at some stage, if the courts do not rule in your favour, it will be noticed by your children.

We can sink to someone else’s expectations of us, or we can choose to walk a path of living to our own standards of morality and belief. The thing is – the more we live a life that matches up to our integrity, the more people around us are more prepared to stand up and speak in our favour.

Start your day with gratitude, try and focus on small victories, and remind yourself, the truth will one day out itself.

Also, if you’ve got no one to talk to about this- make sure you get support somehow- with one to two people you can trust. Support on your side is crucial to succeeding through all of this.

 

 

 

 

 

I was wondering what you think about jealousy and friendship?

 

I have a friend that I have introduced to other friends (and a cousin) of mine, and now she communicates with these people independently.  Another friend just said to me that I should be pleased that I have great friends that all get along, but I still feel a bit left out.

 

Jealousy is actually about our insecurity in what our worth is as a person. The really annoying thing is the more insecure we feel about our own worth, the more we become less desirable to hang around with- people can sniff out insecurity a mile off, and either avoid you like the plague, or like being around people who are insecure and prey on it – often making you more insecure in the process.

The only way to get on top of it is to invest time and effort into recognising your own worth. There is this awesome moment when you suddenly stop worrying (for the most part) what other people will think, or react when you are just you, and it’s so attractive to others. You don’t feel jealous anymore because you know your friendship is secure no matter what they do in relation to new relationships.

If we hold on to something tightly there is no room either for it to grow, or for us to accept new opportunities. If you’re feeling jealous, try visualising holding that relationship tightly in a clenched fist, then watch it unfold as you open your hand out, and see it grow.

Want to have sex with your partner again- one day??

Being able to talk about your sexual relationship is one of the most important parts of keeping it healthy. I’ve always had this understanding that if you can’t talk about it you shouldn’t be doing it- if you find it that embarrassing how on earth are you connecting with your partner while actually having sex?

 

However when you’ve been with someone for a fair amount of time, it can become difficult to start pinpointing exactly when the whole “it used to be easy to broach the subject about sex” ended. It can become this huge invisible wedge between you and your partner. The more you don’t talk about it, the less likely you are to do it, until it’s either down to nothing at all, or something you close your eyes and think of anything but during the whole thing

 

I heard a lovely story about two eighty year olds who still had an active (though perhaps not a gymnastic type of activity) sex life together even after sixty years together. They had made it one of their goals to try something new, or explore something together as a couple for their whole life together.

 

I think it IS possible to have a healthy and happy sex life with one partner. After all I’m a monogamous kinda girl, so I’d have to or it would be depressing! However it is hard to maintain good open communications about your sex life when other stressors come in. I’ve talked before about how to negotiate a better sex life before.

 

If you are stuck in a place where you have NO idea who you’re going to start talking about it again, I found a cool little check list of talking about sexual desire with your partner.

 

The issues really begin when there is a large discrepancy between you and your partner. This is a time for honesty. Sorting it out IS important.

 

One thing- if you don’t want to have sex with your partner- and they have desire – either for you or just in general, is it fair to expect them to remain monogamous with you?

Are Psycho Bitches Born or Made?

The urban dictionary says a psycho bitch is : A woman who’s hormonal imbalance, troublesome upbringing, or current brain chemistry renders her irrational, angry, and prone to acts of violence, like throwing my $3,400 wide-screen HDTV through the window!

Just as women who decry the fact that “all men are players”, if you are attracting your own share of psycho bitches perhaps you need to look at your own actions rather than the girls you are dating.

I asked the twitter-verse what they thought defined someone as a psycho bitch- and here was some of the responses:

someone who can’t/won’t listen to reason for a peaceful co existence and would rather make your life hell

A Psycho bitch gets drunk and screams at your door. When you’re not there.

Someone who is controlling devious jealous judgmental. you know all the bad stuff

They seem disingenuous, manipulative, and scheming. They are not truthful, and seem spiteful.

If I hear a woman say all men are players- it tells me she’s not in a good place to be dating. Women who feel men play on them are pretty much giving up themselves for sex way too early, expecting it somehow is going to automatically take the emerging relationship to a new lever of commitment- when that isn’t automatically the case. I tend to think of it as similar to playing russian roulette with our bodies- going from bed to bed, in the hope that at some stage they’re going to want to come back for seconds.

Women caught up in this cycle can of course, due to ongoing hurt (that they brought on themselves by expecting sex was going to enforce a relationship) become psycho bitches. But for the most part I tend to think that just as women far too frequently label men as players, men far to frequently label woman as psychos.

Again it comes down to the different dynamics of who men and women operate. Even the most confident of women will tend to notice a lack of confidence in a man they are dating in relation to how they feel about them. In fact women will often sub consciously text the depths of interest by testing the levels of how far a man will go to catch her.

If a guy isn’t really into the girl, it makes them lose interest. If he is…. he’ll pretty much put up with any behavior the girl throws at him. It’s all part of the initial test to see just how tolerant you are of them, and vice versa.

Often women and men are unaware that the automatic behavior we exhibit right at the beginning is our way to filter out the people that just aren’t that great a match for us. If a guy is not behaving consistently, or not displaying they are going to be a caring, and considerate partner, the psycho bitch behavior is far more likely to rear it’s head.

So, just as women who keep on dating “players” need to modify their behavior, expectations and beliefs to break the cycle, so do men who are always dating “psycho bitches” Guys it’s your behavior that is drawing the psycho out in them- because you have not established trust in your actions enough for them to settle down and just be.

One of the ironies is often women who think the guy has played them are then, in turn, described as a psycho bitch by that very guy. Perhaps this is due to a misunderstanding that both sexes has of the ways the other operate- men want women to be cruisy, no stress and easy, and women will be those things if they feel affirmed, settled and secure. Women want men to be reliable, stick around and be really into them, and men will be those things if it’s already an expected part of the relationship, because they feel connected- not just because you’ve had sex with them

Why Kiwi Blokes Aren’t Getting it Right

One of the most common complaints I get from women is that kiwi males are missing the mark. That they just don’t pursue enough, aren’t putting enough effort in. To be honest, especially after dating a PILE of men during the research of Eighty Eight Dates, and then dating just because I liked it, I have to agree.

During my own experiences I’ve found that English, American and even Australian men tend to be a little more driven in their dating (though kiwi men are far more likely to try to get you into bed on the first date if they get that far)
I think that kiwi men are still stuck in the “She’ll be right” mentality when it comes to their dating life.But kiwi women have, for the most part, moved on from that mentality in every other area of their life. We have careers, are people in our own right, with active social lives, and while we love men, enjoy their company and love the idea of dating- it’s got to be a special man who’ll pull us away from all of that.

It is not enough to suggest a non specific catch up if you are interested in a girl guys. Us girls use the “I’ll pencil you in” excuse if we aren’t that keen to meet up with someone in a business or a friend context. So if a guy says it to us- that screams at us that really you are not that interested. In fact, we already pretty much assume most guys are not the best at commitment- and will really only ever commit to the girl they just can’t be without. If you’re struggling to commit to the first date, it’s speaking volumes to the girl about what they can expect in the future (as we expect any traits you have now will just become more extreme with time – once the best behaviour has worn off.)
If you’re a guy who keeps on trying the casual approach and finding it is just not getting the results you want…. here is a novel idea: ask a girl on a proper date. If she says no, which is really the worst case scenario, at least you’ve got a firm answer. But stop thinking “she’ll be right” and keeping it ultra casual. Us kiwi girls are pretty much over it. Right girls?

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

I met up with a guy I dated earlier in the year last weekend. We didn’t part on bad terms in the first place, but I had said I would need some time with us not talking for a bit before we got back to being just mates. This is because he is the king of mixed messages.

If you’ve ever dated someone like this you know what I mean- they break up with you, but the next day they are texting, or phoning or asking if you want to do coffee. Your wee heart is trying to get sorted, but here he is in your face, friendly, acting pretty much the same way he always did, except now you aren’t going out.

After an afternoon with him on Sunday, which was really a very nice time, I called him and said we still can’t hang out as mates. It’s not that I have feelings for him- or want to go out with him. He just falls into that familiar friend position too easily, and I know in a few weeks I’d be trying to work out exactly what was going down.

One of the most common questions from women is “Is he actually still into me?” And you know we always want them to be. It’s easier with those nasties who just don’t call. At least the cut is clean, brutal and quick. But the dragging on is hell.

If you’ve broken up with someone, care enough about them to NOT call them, NOT contact them, NOT ask them for a coffee, or to discuss thier live. One day sure you might be friends. But in the interests of everyone’s hearts- just don’t.

And if you are in a situation where someone is keeping in contact, when they broke it off, tell them straight “I can’t hang around you if we aren’t going out for a bit. Please don’t call me” Then take them out of your phone, off your facebook and move on.

Win a double pass to Young and Hungry Feast

Going to movies is meant to be one of those terrible early dating things to do. I used to think that going to a play was the same but I’ve come round. Watching active, breathing participants emote in front of you gives you plenty of scope to talk and dissect afterwards.

I have a double pass to go see these three plays (they run one after the other on the same night), courtesy of the Auckland Theatre Company.

I’ll be announcing a winner on Monday- all you need to do to enter is tell me your favourite movie or play with a central theme of love or romance….

*oh and if you are out of Auckland you are repsonsible for your own travel and accomodation to get here…thanks!

Information on the plays below

YOUNG AND HUNGRY FEAST ON AUCKLAND THEATRE
 
 
Auckland Theatre Company in association with the Young and Hungry Arts Trust presents
THE YOUNG AND HUNGRY FESTIVAL OF NEW THEATRE
 
It’s been 15 years in the making but finally The Young and Hungry Festival of New Theatre has arrived in Auckland for a two week season at The Basement from July 10.
The Young and Hungry Festival of New Theatre showcases the best up and coming young talent in a triple-bill of 50 minute plays which will be staged in Auckland and Wellington simultaneously. Mentored by top theatre professionals, the cast and crews are made up entirely of 15-25 year olds who have the passion and the potential to make great NZ theatre.
 
“It is also extremely exciting to see the Young and Hungry system adopted by the prestigious Auckland Theatre Company for the first time in 2009 and we look forward to seeing a new generation of Auckland Theatre makers taking the stage in July,”  says Simon Vincent, the producer  for Young and Hungry in Wellington.
 
“Auckland Theatre Company is delighted to present the first ever Young and Hungry Festival in Auckland. Theatre by young people for young people and supported by the best the industry has to offer is an exciting addition to the Auckland theatre scene. The plays are fresh and exciting, the actors are having a ball and we hope the audience will eat it up.” Says Lynne Cardy, ATC Creative Development Manager.
 
Young and Hungry has helped to launch the careers of some great New Zealand performers. Past participants include Taika Waititi (Two cars, one night), Bret McKenzie (Flight of the Conchords) and Michelle Ang (The Tribe, Outrageous Fortune).
 
This year’s exciting programme includes three plays which have been commissioned especially for the festival by New Zealand playwrights Georgina Titheridge, Vivienne Plumb and Miria George. They have all produced work which reflects NZ youth culture.
 
Oyster is a quirky, funny and ultimately moving story. Dolores Romero sings like an angel; Gaia wants to save the world and Napolean wants to travel far away from it; Velma is into cruelty-free pork, Lelani wants to beat her up and Chevy thinks he can explain everything. They all want to know who they are, and where they belong in this big wide world. 
 
Sit On It is a comedy for chicks, dicks and anyone who has ever wondered why girls spend so much time in the bathroom. The play is a hilarious peek into a very private world. Set entirely in the ladies toilet of a trashy nightclub and awash with witty dialogue and authentic characters.
 
Urban Hymns is a story of survival and greed, art and music, drugs and crime. Money talks in Joseph’s neighbourhood and the market place rules. But when he can no longer make the cut Joseph turns to Tobias and together they make the first worst decision of their lives. 
 
Young and Hungry arose out of a need to provide young people with the opportunity to gain hands on experience of theatre within a professional structure. Since then it has transformed into an independent production company focused on advancing youth interest in all areas of theatre practice and education.
 
The Young and Hungry Festival of New Theatre runs July 10 – July 25 at The Basement, Lower Greys Ave. The Festival is a triple-bill of 50 minute plays. (No shows Sundays and Mondays).
Shows are not suitable for children; contain drug references and offensive language.
 
Oyster- 6.30pm
Sit On It – 8.00pm
Urban Hymns- 9.30pm

 

 

Tickets
Adult:               1 play – $20        3 plays – $45 (booking fees may apply)
Concession:     1 play – $15       3 plays – $36 (booking fees may apply)
 
For bookings call                (0…

Sorry seems to be the hardest word….

For a range of reasons, Saturday was one of those truly horrible days, one you only ever want to have once or twice in a lifetime. It was emotionally difficult for reasons I’ve mentioned in this blog before- and then a few other things popped up around it to really just make everything worse.

Of course what happens when there is a domino effect of one bad thing after the other, is you lose judgement of the right way to act in different situations. For me that included sending someone I was upset with a rather unpleasant email telling them EXACTLY why I was upset.

Maybe I’m the only one who’s ever done such a thing- you write it, read through it three or four times, and in your self righteous state press send, thinking it’s golden pearls of wisdom they really need to hear.

And maybe it was. Here on Tuesday I still think the core reason I needed to raise it with the person was valid. But the way in which I did it, and how I phrased it certainly wasn’t.

One thing I’ve rediscovered besides my happiness and general love of life in the last few years is my temper. And to be completely honest I’m still struggling to work out how it’s best meant to be managed. It takes alot to make me flare up, and it’s gone almost as fast as it appeared, but it’s certainly popped up a few times in the last year or so.

When I talked over and apologised tonight for the way I wrote my email, the person reminded me that I’m big on communication. And that becuase I am, ringing about it would have been a far better way to sort out the problem directly and faster (Though as I wrote it at 11pm perhaps it may not have! :D) But actually he was right. In fact I have been working on the same thing myself- to go direct if I have an issue with someone, and deal with it, remembering to listen far more than I rant.

It actually felt great to be able to speak my mind, have a little speaking back to me about my part in it all then resolve it.

One thing I have learnt over the last three years is honesty is never wasted. Being direct may lose a few nights of what if hopefulness on occasion but for the most part, being direct and honest in any relationship be it friends, partners or business always works. At the very least you know you’ve represented yourself as honestly as you can.

And if you do lose it, or do the wrong thing- then a sorry is never wasted either.

Sometimes people say to me that they don’t want to forgive, or apologise or deal direct because the other person might nor react the right way. But actually that’s not your problem. Your job is to be honest, and present your own understanding of the situation. You’ll soon find you’ll start having more people in your life you appreciate the directness and reflect a similar level of respect back to you. I know I certainly am feeling very thankful for the directness of that friend tonight.

Should you be flirting with people if you’re in a relationship?

Wow- this topic burned up twitter tonight. I’m going to write my views in a few days- but please choose what you think- and post any thoughts…

I think it’s an interesting topic!

Leaving on a Jet Plane…..

Three years ago this week I left my marriage. In fact I quietly packed a bag, put the children in the car, and as we drove up the drive I said “How would you guys like to go to auckland today?” 

I knew I wasn’t going back- the marks on my throat were nothing to the marks on my spririt- and I knew it was today, or I might never get the choice to leave next time. The fact I had to re appear a few hours later, with police supervision was terrifying- but I did it, and then I was free.

It’s been an amazing three years- and I’ve learnt an awful lot about myself and relationships. I’ve also learnt alot about where any of our problems start. Even in an abusive marriage- the problem is not with the abuser- it’s with the person not standing up and walking away from it the moment it first begins.

Once you are trapped in a cycle of abuse, it gets harder and harder to leave. It took me seven years to work out things were getting worse not better- and even though it’s cost me in terms of friendships, faith, home life and family times, it’s still been worth it- for everyone in fact. in fact my ex has a lovely new partner- and it’s good! 

It’s interesting however- as someone who has left a marriage I’m often expected to play the “I don’t believe in marriage” card. But I do. I believe that two flawed people can come together and make a great combination of both thier good and bad points. 

In the last three years I’ve seen marriages fall apart in front of me for a whole lot of different reasons. Violence and abuse is always a very good reason to leave- unless very strong and supervised hands come in to look after both people and monitor it. But I still think for many of us, giving up has become really a little too easy.

Take a 20+ year marriage, with a few children and add the day to day stresses of life, finances, differing opinions and difficulties. A few speed bumps have to be expected along the way. And that’s ok. Temptations and distractions are not wrong in this time frame- it’s what you do with those distractions that makes a difference. 

I’ve heard of women throwing men out on the strength of one dodgy text, but they’re not sleeping with their husbands so what do they expect?- or women checking out online dating sites because their husband has worked till 11pm every night for the last month and it’s just something to do but have not once said to thier husband “Stop, because I need you more than the house, the car, the mortgage”  

This week- if you’re in a long term marriage or relationship, and it’s not violent or abusive….

Sit down for ten minutes alone and think of one good thing you like about your partner. Then go tell them. It’s a cool way to start July…

much love and hugs..

Rachel