Guest Columnist Hamish McBrearty: Giving it up too fast

So youʼve just met a wonderful guy, thereʼs sparks flying between you and you think he has serious boyfriend potential but now youʼre stuck in a tug of war between your body, which says, “Jump him! Jump him now!”, and your head which is telling you that heʼll lose interest if you give it up too early. So what do guys really think and when is the right time todo the mattress mambo with someone for the first time?If you ask a bloke, the average response will be something like, “About five minutes,” but thatʼs just our ego and machoism talking.

One of the things women seem to forget about us men is, beneath it all, we are still Stone Age hunters, sure most of us donʼt go out and kill our dinner anymore but we still hunt. Send us to the shop for bread, we hunt the bread, we buy the bread, we bring the bread back to our cave. Never does it enter our intensely focused minds that we need butter to put on the bread.

Unfortunately this hunter mentality extends to our pursuit of the fairer sex as well. You see,hunting the beast with two backs is almost as much fun for us as making said beast.Looking back on my younger days I dated some women who I slept with after only knowing them for a couple of weeks. Sure it was great fun but I rapidly lost interest in pursuing any sort of emotional connection with them. But yet there were others who I knewfor only slightly longer before getting jiggy with it who I chased much harder.

So what was the difference between those women? It was the amount of effort I had to putin. Like a cat chasing a mouse the thrill is not in the metaphorical kill but in the chase itself.A mouse who runs head first into a wall knocking itself unconscious is not a particularly thrilling chase for the cat, but a mouse who ducks and weaves between the furniture, hidesunder the bookcase then makes a desperate dash for freedom, only to be cut down centimetres from the door, now thatʼs a hunt!

So what about the women who made my hunt for the beast with two backs longer and harder? Iʼve dated two like that, both went just a little bit further every time we fooled around and it drove me absolutely wild. Each time we were together I would be wondering if tonight was the night, only to be denied but feel the thrill knowing that next time could be it.

In the end, one of those women broke up with me before I had a chance to seal the deal, while I eventually did sleep with the other. Did I enjoy that hunt? Well I ended up marrying her.

Just please yourself

One of the easiest ways to explore your own sexuality is to learn how to pleasure yourself. Men tend to do this more readily than woman, but often only focus on a quick stimulation, and ejaculation, mainly to relieve pressure, quickly done in the shower, or bathroom without their partner knowing. 

One of the important things to discuss with your partner is the absolute ‘ok-ness” of self stimulation. In fact if one or both of you have lost interest in sex it’s one of the simplest and most important parts of the journey towards a better sex life together. 

Men often assume they orgasm on ejaculation but for many men that is not necessarily so. Exploring your own sensuality can make it easier for you to tell your partner what you do and don’t like 

Many women can get to their forties and beyond without having an orgasm. And many have not spent time exploring their own bodies. Women were often never told it was ok, and for many there was a sense that it wasn’t something “good girls” do. With our bodies used for childbirth as well, there is often a sense that our mothering selves don’t fit well with our sexual selves. 

Both sexes when young were often told masturbation was bad, or even evil. However if this was a faith based argument, consider why we were cretead to feel pleasure if not to experience it? We need to know what out bodies like and enjoy so we can tell our partners if and when we have one- and if we don’t…. well it helps you feel alive and as a sexual being. 

If you’ve never played alone and are unsure where to start, the best thing to do is avoid going straight to the genitals. Basically give yourself a bit of foreplay. Find out what parts of the body feels good to touch besides your privates. Trail fingers along your arms, your stomach, your legs. Enjoy the sensuality of the moment.

Sex with a partner or alone is best enjoyed while relaxed. Have a glass of wine, light some candles, and put on some nice music- seduce yourself and enjoy the luxury of the moment

Oh for goodness sake…. come on!

I’ve been meaning to write about this for ages. But it’s a sensitive topic and one that never gets written about. so then you start thinking, maybe I shouldn’t be the one to talk about it. But then… I had two beers this afternoon so i figure if I’m mortified later I can always blame the booze…

There is a long standing joke about men who are, well a little premature. But from the conversations I’ve had with women we can pretty much cope with that on occasion. It feels flattering a little, and normally there is always the encore performance to enjoy anyway…

But what we generally don’t enjoy is the ones that really take too long. 

Now we’re not talking foreplay- foreplay is fun. But when it gets to the whole wham, bam thank you mam part of sex, it can get a little old if it’s more like wham, bam, wham, bam, wham, wham, bam.

We know you guys feel good if you can keep on going and going and going. But sometimes, just sometimes, a quicky as an alternative is nice, and sometimes, we can TELL if you are purposely holding off to make it all last a bit longer- and actually it’s not that fun for us.

I actually used to think I was the only woman who felt that way- admitting it seems to make me come across that I don’t like sex- which is plainly untrue… but after talking to woman after woman after women I haven’t found one yet who doesn’t agree… (though I’m sure I’m about to!)

Sometimes there really is too much of a good thing….

Ever had a star crossed lover experience?

I know some people in life tend to walk up to doors, and if the door isn’t flung open on their arrival, they’ll just keep on walking to a door that is.

I’m not. I tend to have a goal and keep on hitting at those doors in front of my until I get it nudged a little open- then I’ll keep on seeing if it is able to open up a little more and more.

I have learnt sometimes though that some doors are firmly locked. That the time and the place isn’t right. The funny thing is I often KNOW that door is meant to be open, and sure enough, a year or so later it is. without me needing to do anything at all…

It’s always been like that in my professional life. but recently I’ve experienced it in my personal life. Two people, who like each other on either side of a door, both pushing to open it but it not quite working. (Possibly because if you are both pushing at the same time without listening to the other person’s efforts nothing happens!)

And so I’ve added another thing to my very simple list of why things work or not work. Sometimes the Universe just says NO. And that’s it. 

Have you ever had an experience where on paper it looks like it should work but it just didn’t?

My Happy Birthday Present to you…

It’s my birthday today, and as I lay in bed in the early hours of this morning, I decided that I’d like to do a birthday giveaway.

I didn’t really know what to give however. Companies generally don’t take kindly to being rung on a Sunday for last minute giveaway options, and I wanted it to be something that was relevant to me and my readers…

So this is it…

RACHEL’S DATING SCHOOL

I get asked all the time how girls can meet guys without doing the whole bar scene thing. And I’ve come up with a plan. Now this is only going to work if you are in Auckland, single and female- so for those of you who ain’t- I promise I’ll have something fun for you soon

I’d like to offer fourteen of you a free go at my new dating course. It’s on Thursday 13th of August and will be in Grey Lynn from 7:30-9:30 pm.

This isn’t a namby pamby course- this is designed to use your female natural networking skills and your already switched on ability to think about other people.

Here is how it will work: We’ll all meet- and I’ll talk to you a bit about confidence, flirting and dating and how to act as a wing girl (this bit will become really important), then we’ll spend a bit of time getting to know each other. THEN, we’ll arrange to meet together in a fortnights time (On the 27th August) at a local bar- but this time we’ll be bringing one or more of our single male friends that we think might be good for one of the other women there. It’s our job to wing girl the introductions.

It’s far easier to match make someone else than yourself- and we all know great guys who for one reason or the other isn’t right for us but great for someone else.

At the very least we’ll all increase our social circles exponentially and have a bit of fun. At the very best, well we might get a few sparks and fun going on!

What do you think? Want to be part of the first course for free? I’d love you to- email me on rachel.goodchild (at) gmail.com and I’ll put you in.

Please include in your email:

NAME

AGE

And a short description of you and what you are looking for….

This is strictly limited to fourteen people.

Happy birthday to me!

How women stuff up their dating life

Us women are great at telling men exactly how they muck up their relationships and dating. I’ve let loose on the way men wear shabby clothes or take me out to crap places before (not cheap places, just crappy ones- a takeaway on a beach is good, Mc Donalds at the restaurant…well NO) 

But little is written about how women stuff it up. But we do. We really do! If you keep on getting alot of almost, or first dates and little seconds, you have to look in the mirror and start asking yourself why.

I read an awesome blog post on women’s first date stuff ups and thought it was very relevant 

After dating alot last year I learnt us women are very interested in finding out a man’s status “what is it that you do?” and his focus and his passion…

But men want to know we are fun, uncomplicated, passionate (but not in the same sense as us- we want to know they have direction, they want to know we are happy and sensual) and most importantly someone that makes them feel good. Quite often we want to speak our mind, and even in jest make little put downs- but if you make a man feel good, (and yes it is pampering the ego but so is that “oh you look lovely” when he first sees you”) then you’re sorted!

Showing you value him, his ideas and his thoughts is going to get that second date happening alot more.

As a little aside- I’ve long felt it’s our job as women to decide how far it goes. I know I’d go on a date and realise that the person wasn’t for me, and I could see my behaviour shift- by the end of the evening, the guy just wouldn’t want to call me, not because I was not friendly but because I was giving out the uninterested vibe. If I was interested they’d respond in kind. Us girls have far more power than we think we do in leading things to the next level- and we need to know that and own that. if you aren’t getting those second dates, it is really, quite possibly, actually, entirely, YOUR FAULT.

Rachel Goodchild’s Good Advice: Is my relationship salvagable?

Rachel Goodchild’s Good Advice this morning on Sunrise

For those of you who aren’t on broadband….

Me and my partner have been dating for 4 going onto 5 years now, he was 18 and i was 22 when we first started dating now that he is 21 and i am now 25 we are always in each others faces if not that we are both hitting each other and i mean like i push him around and punch him and he does the same, we always comment on each other like he will say i am sleeping around and i will do the same to him cause he has in the past with his ex girlfriends and he always compares his ex’s to me if you get my drift……so the really question is WHAT IS WRONG AND DO WE EVEN HAVE A FUTURE??

When we are single, we tend to think that getting into a relationship is a sign we have somehow made it, that we are fixed enough to be with someone. Then we realise that there are many dysfunctional relationships, ones that are dangerous and unhealthy going on around us- and we are reminded that being in a couple doesn’t mean you’ve necessarily made it.

If there is violence on either side, or both it needs to stop. This is a destructive and unhealthy relationship that is stuck in a cycle of anger, abuse, then seeking comfort from each other after you’ve hurt each other.

If you want to fix it you can- but it will need to take both of you. Go to relate.org.nz and find out about receiving six free counseling sessions from them to see if these issues can be remedied. 

if your partner does not want counseling, you must ask yourself if this person you are living with is someone who is bringing out the best of you and you them? if not, why be with them? It sounds like this is a relationship between two very unhappy people hell bent on hurting the people they are meant to love the most. Respect yourself, prepare yourself and get your head putting down some very healthy boundaries to prevent this behaviour to continue.

 

rachel can you help me? I think my husband is having an affair but I am not sure. he has started using his cell phone all the time and gets really cagey- he doesn’t leave it around but guards it.

First- hooray for women’s intuition! We do know when something isn’t right. However as many men will attest- we don’t always get it right. First- reassure yourself- there is definitely something up. And it is likely to be something relating to a new romantic dalliance- though not always. However it might not be a fully fledged affair. The beginning of an affair, the flirtation part is where men and women are less careful. Partly because they are so infatuated and don’t notice, and sometimes because they want to be found out. It’s a little like being a teenager again- doing naughty stuff where part of the thrill is you might get caught.

Experienced cheaters then learn to take it away from that phone and hide it better. in fact long term affairs happen cos women ignore this first bit of intuition and then the guy can pretty much do what he wants from there on in.- so be glad that it’s at this stage.

The key is working out what you want to do. Do you want to confront, with the risk of losing him? Do you want to ignore it and hope it passes? – you’d be surprised how many women choose the second option. 

Snooping is often a huge temptation – but it doesn’t tend to pay. How would you deal with it if you do find something? It’s often not a constructive remedy. – and you get labelled a snoop- even if it’s justifiable. If you decide to bring this to a head, instead of leading in with “are you having an affair” instead say you are not happy, and you’d like to consider some counseling. It will help trigger a change into action and that alone may stop the affair from eventuating. Just make sure you are prepared for a bit of a rough ride over the next wee bit as you work it out.

Why won’t men ask me out?

Of all the questions I get asked, this is probably one of the most common

I ran one of my corporate courses today- which is entitled Building Better Relationships. Throughout the day we work through the dynamics in work relationships and how to re solve some of those common work issues people have. 

One of the key factors to success in good work relationships is the same in our love lives- if there is an ongoing problem happening- it’s not the world that needs to change, it’s you.

So, if men aren’t asking you out- it isn’t the guys fault- I’m afraid to say it’s yours….

Here are my tips for getting someone to ask you out.

1. Smile. Actually that alone is one of the biggest – be freindly, be approachable and laugh easily. Be confident in who you are. Confidence is incredibly attractive.

2. Engage them in conversation.

3. Find a way to encourage connection- such as information you have about a shared interest, or a place you both have wanted to try out. 

4. Leave the rest up to them. and remember it’s just about putting yourself out there, enjoying meeting people and trusting that eventually one of those people will follow through and ask you out.

If you like someone who hasn’t asked you out and you wish they would, there is nothing wrong with asking them for a coffee – if they act disinterested, post pone or don’t follow that one on one meeting up, assume they aren’t interested in developing it further, and let it go, move onto the next person and remember- you are inherently valuable, and the right person will see that!

What do men really want in a relationship?

In a book by Patrick McNally called How Men Stuff Up Relationships and how Women Help Them, there is a list of five very important factors to a healthy relationship as viewed by men (in general)

 

Do you agree with the list? What is your reaction to it?

 

Men want….

 

1. To be waited on hand and foot

 

2. To have lots and lots of sex

 

3. Not to have to have alot of long and involved conversations about how a woman feels

 

4. Not to be reminded to do their jobs around the house

 

5. Not being corrected or interrrupted in public by their female partner.

 

Of course not every male likes all of these, but these are common loves amongst alot of men according to McNally

 

If you are male- do you agree with this list?

 

If you are female- is this a list of things you think you can live up to?

Beating the break up blues

The other day a friend asked me if I could add him to Skype to make it easier for us to discuss a meeting we had been to. We then laughed at how many ways we were able to connect with each other- not only could we pick up a phone and chat, we were able to Skype, facebook, tweet on twitter, text, or use a combination of those to chat

It’s no wonder cutting the ties after a break up is hard to do. Not only have you got to deal with that massive gap you had of thinking about the person, spending time with them and planning time together, but you also have all these ways you can still see them, even if they live at the other end of the city.

Some people think the idea of cutting ties after a break up is either a power play, or showing pettiness. But it’s not. It’s a good way to forcibly remove the temptation to carry out any yoyo interactions that go on after a break up. If someone has hurt you, the first thing you want to do is seek comfort.

Many people will seek that comfort from the person who hurt them because that person is not only familiar with them- but familiar with the situation. This is actually one of the reasons abusive relationships happen- the abused has no other support structures, and so they seek resolution and comfort with the person who hurt them. And so the cycle begins again.

So how does that affect your break up process? Well unless you have the will power of a saint; get rid of their cell number and contact information in your phone. All of it. Or keep in their name- but change the number to a good friend- so you’ll call them instead (best you warn them first)

Make a list (You might need someone’s help on this) of things to do instead of call them. I find a physical act such as going for a walk, stomping my feet, or some other physical activity helps, as adrenaline often courses through your body after a break up.

Avoid stimulants. Yes, cut back on the coffee. Break ups often cause us to have a pile of nervous energy shoot through our systems- so don’t give it anymore help than it needs.

Get on that phone and start calling – but not your ex! Force yourself out into social situations. It’s like starting a new fitness regime- it is not going to feel good at all. But once you are in the swing of things you’re going to find it will pay off.

Create pockets of down time to be, well down. Breakups are hard. And you are allowed to grieve. But remember that pain is a good thing. It meant you let someone in to your heart, you let yourself open up to someone, and it means you were real. And if you did it once – you can do it again, and next time there may not be a break up.