How women stuff up their dating life

Us women are great at telling men exactly how they muck up their relationships and dating. I’ve let loose on the way men wear shabby clothes or take me out to crap places before (not cheap places, just crappy ones- a takeaway on a beach is good, Mc Donalds at the restaurant…well NO) 

But little is written about how women stuff it up. But we do. We really do! If you keep on getting alot of almost, or first dates and little seconds, you have to look in the mirror and start asking yourself why.

I read an awesome blog post on women’s first date stuff ups and thought it was very relevant 

After dating alot last year I learnt us women are very interested in finding out a man’s status “what is it that you do?” and his focus and his passion…

But men want to know we are fun, uncomplicated, passionate (but not in the same sense as us- we want to know they have direction, they want to know we are happy and sensual) and most importantly someone that makes them feel good. Quite often we want to speak our mind, and even in jest make little put downs- but if you make a man feel good, (and yes it is pampering the ego but so is that “oh you look lovely” when he first sees you”) then you’re sorted!

Showing you value him, his ideas and his thoughts is going to get that second date happening alot more.

As a little aside- I’ve long felt it’s our job as women to decide how far it goes. I know I’d go on a date and realise that the person wasn’t for me, and I could see my behaviour shift- by the end of the evening, the guy just wouldn’t want to call me, not because I was not friendly but because I was giving out the uninterested vibe. If I was interested they’d respond in kind. Us girls have far more power than we think we do in leading things to the next level- and we need to know that and own that. if you aren’t getting those second dates, it is really, quite possibly, actually, entirely, YOUR FAULT.

Rachel Goodchild’s Good Advice: Is my relationship salvagable?

Rachel Goodchild’s Good Advice this morning on Sunrise

For those of you who aren’t on broadband….

Me and my partner have been dating for 4 going onto 5 years now, he was 18 and i was 22 when we first started dating now that he is 21 and i am now 25 we are always in each others faces if not that we are both hitting each other and i mean like i push him around and punch him and he does the same, we always comment on each other like he will say i am sleeping around and i will do the same to him cause he has in the past with his ex girlfriends and he always compares his ex’s to me if you get my drift……so the really question is WHAT IS WRONG AND DO WE EVEN HAVE A FUTURE??

When we are single, we tend to think that getting into a relationship is a sign we have somehow made it, that we are fixed enough to be with someone. Then we realise that there are many dysfunctional relationships, ones that are dangerous and unhealthy going on around us- and we are reminded that being in a couple doesn’t mean you’ve necessarily made it.

If there is violence on either side, or both it needs to stop. This is a destructive and unhealthy relationship that is stuck in a cycle of anger, abuse, then seeking comfort from each other after you’ve hurt each other.

If you want to fix it you can- but it will need to take both of you. Go to relate.org.nz and find out about receiving six free counseling sessions from them to see if these issues can be remedied. 

if your partner does not want counseling, you must ask yourself if this person you are living with is someone who is bringing out the best of you and you them? if not, why be with them? It sounds like this is a relationship between two very unhappy people hell bent on hurting the people they are meant to love the most. Respect yourself, prepare yourself and get your head putting down some very healthy boundaries to prevent this behaviour to continue.

 

rachel can you help me? I think my husband is having an affair but I am not sure. he has started using his cell phone all the time and gets really cagey- he doesn’t leave it around but guards it.

First- hooray for women’s intuition! We do know when something isn’t right. However as many men will attest- we don’t always get it right. First- reassure yourself- there is definitely something up. And it is likely to be something relating to a new romantic dalliance- though not always. However it might not be a fully fledged affair. The beginning of an affair, the flirtation part is where men and women are less careful. Partly because they are so infatuated and don’t notice, and sometimes because they want to be found out. It’s a little like being a teenager again- doing naughty stuff where part of the thrill is you might get caught.

Experienced cheaters then learn to take it away from that phone and hide it better. in fact long term affairs happen cos women ignore this first bit of intuition and then the guy can pretty much do what he wants from there on in.- so be glad that it’s at this stage.

The key is working out what you want to do. Do you want to confront, with the risk of losing him? Do you want to ignore it and hope it passes? – you’d be surprised how many women choose the second option. 

Snooping is often a huge temptation – but it doesn’t tend to pay. How would you deal with it if you do find something? It’s often not a constructive remedy. – and you get labelled a snoop- even if it’s justifiable. If you decide to bring this to a head, instead of leading in with “are you having an affair” instead say you are not happy, and you’d like to consider some counseling. It will help trigger a change into action and that alone may stop the affair from eventuating. Just make sure you are prepared for a bit of a rough ride over the next wee bit as you work it out.

The sliding scale of sexuality

What is your mental image if I ask you to picture a gay male, or a lesbian, or a hetero male or female? What perceptions do we have of how a person with a specific sexual persuasion looks, acts and dresses? And do they have to be either one or the other?

I’ve been fascinated about the sliding scale of sexuality for a while. For a long time I think that people saw there were two options – straight or gay. Then there were three- straight, gay and bisexual. 

I think for many people the lines are not clearly delineated- and we still fall for the tricks of deciding someone with straight or gay from their looks, voice or penchant for fashion. 

Last night I hung out with a bunch of straight and gay guys- and it was fascinating- the gay guys looked and acted…well straight. And the straight guys looked and acted…well gay. And I LOVE that. I think we need to get away with these labels “straight acting” or “a little bit camp” and just enjoy being the people are are most free-est being- without having to be labelled sexually depending on our appearance or ability to spot a label from 500 metres…

As for the sliding scale- perhaps very few of us are polar extreme of complete hetero or complete homosexual make up- maybe instead we are 95% one or the other, or 80% or even right bang in the middle…

Why won’t men ask me out?

Of all the questions I get asked, this is probably one of the most common

I ran one of my corporate courses today- which is entitled Building Better Relationships. Throughout the day we work through the dynamics in work relationships and how to re solve some of those common work issues people have. 

One of the key factors to success in good work relationships is the same in our love lives- if there is an ongoing problem happening- it’s not the world that needs to change, it’s you.

So, if men aren’t asking you out- it isn’t the guys fault- I’m afraid to say it’s yours….

Here are my tips for getting someone to ask you out.

1. Smile. Actually that alone is one of the biggest – be freindly, be approachable and laugh easily. Be confident in who you are. Confidence is incredibly attractive.

2. Engage them in conversation.

3. Find a way to encourage connection- such as information you have about a shared interest, or a place you both have wanted to try out. 

4. Leave the rest up to them. and remember it’s just about putting yourself out there, enjoying meeting people and trusting that eventually one of those people will follow through and ask you out.

If you like someone who hasn’t asked you out and you wish they would, there is nothing wrong with asking them for a coffee – if they act disinterested, post pone or don’t follow that one on one meeting up, assume they aren’t interested in developing it further, and let it go, move onto the next person and remember- you are inherently valuable, and the right person will see that!

Faith hope and love- but the greatest of these is love

Yesterday I had coffee with a guy i briefly dated earlier this year. The timing wasn’t right for both of us, and after that time you have when one of you (ok it was me!) needs to put a bit of distance between you, we;re now back at that point where it is good again. 

We were talking about our mutual journeys and both how it’s only been in the last month or so that either of us actually feel ready for a proper, serious relationship. 

We’ve both got church backgounds and the phrase “Faith, hope and love” came up. We both agreed that these three words can help you identify where you are on the healing journey after coming out of a long relationship and susequent break up. The order was just a little different…

HOPE

We talked about how we can choose love or fear. When you start to mend, hope kicks in. You hope you’ll meet someone. You hope it is going to be ok. But hope is often based in fear. It’s not an assurance. It’s a fingers crossed, optimistic yes rather than a inner certainty.

FAITH

But then comes faith. And this is where we are both at now. There comes a stage where hope turns into faith. You know you won’t be alone. You know you are loved already, you know you will meet that person who will be with you…. it’s inside you somewhere. It’s a good place ot be. To get there though seems to be triggered by a bit of pain (as most growth is) Both of us have recently had what I term “near misses” where it looks like it’s going to happen, and instead of the old habits dealing with it the way you’ve always done, you deal with it in a way that means you are ready- for me that meant trying to fight for something, and for him it meant cutting ties with something that wasn’t working (you can see the signs are different for everyone!)

But in doing that, you realise your heart is open. And you’re ready. It’s a good place to be!

LOVE

So here we come to love.

It doesn’t work to a timetable, but you do need to be ready. You don’t need to be perfect- as we both said yesterday, there are many very successful long term but still pretty dysfunctional relationships out there. My mum used to always say it’s not just meeting the right person, it’s meeting them at the right time. You both just need to be in the “ready to fall in love” spot. That and attraction is the magic formula I reckon.

What do men really want in a relationship?

In a book by Patrick McNally called How Men Stuff Up Relationships and how Women Help Them, there is a list of five very important factors to a healthy relationship as viewed by men (in general)

 

Do you agree with the list? What is your reaction to it?

 

Men want….

 

1. To be waited on hand and foot

 

2. To have lots and lots of sex

 

3. Not to have to have alot of long and involved conversations about how a woman feels

 

4. Not to be reminded to do their jobs around the house

 

5. Not being corrected or interrrupted in public by their female partner.

 

Of course not every male likes all of these, but these are common loves amongst alot of men according to McNally

 

If you are male- do you agree with this list?

 

If you are female- is this a list of things you think you can live up to?

Beating the break up blues

The other day a friend asked me if I could add him to Skype to make it easier for us to discuss a meeting we had been to. We then laughed at how many ways we were able to connect with each other- not only could we pick up a phone and chat, we were able to Skype, facebook, tweet on twitter, text, or use a combination of those to chat

It’s no wonder cutting the ties after a break up is hard to do. Not only have you got to deal with that massive gap you had of thinking about the person, spending time with them and planning time together, but you also have all these ways you can still see them, even if they live at the other end of the city.

Some people think the idea of cutting ties after a break up is either a power play, or showing pettiness. But it’s not. It’s a good way to forcibly remove the temptation to carry out any yoyo interactions that go on after a break up. If someone has hurt you, the first thing you want to do is seek comfort.

Many people will seek that comfort from the person who hurt them because that person is not only familiar with them- but familiar with the situation. This is actually one of the reasons abusive relationships happen- the abused has no other support structures, and so they seek resolution and comfort with the person who hurt them. And so the cycle begins again.

So how does that affect your break up process? Well unless you have the will power of a saint; get rid of their cell number and contact information in your phone. All of it. Or keep in their name- but change the number to a good friend- so you’ll call them instead (best you warn them first)

Make a list (You might need someone’s help on this) of things to do instead of call them. I find a physical act such as going for a walk, stomping my feet, or some other physical activity helps, as adrenaline often courses through your body after a break up.

Avoid stimulants. Yes, cut back on the coffee. Break ups often cause us to have a pile of nervous energy shoot through our systems- so don’t give it anymore help than it needs.

Get on that phone and start calling – but not your ex! Force yourself out into social situations. It’s like starting a new fitness regime- it is not going to feel good at all. But once you are in the swing of things you’re going to find it will pay off.

Create pockets of down time to be, well down. Breakups are hard. And you are allowed to grieve. But remember that pain is a good thing. It meant you let someone in to your heart, you let yourself open up to someone, and it means you were real. And if you did it once – you can do it again, and next time there may not be a break up.

Let’s just be friends

A couple of my friends have sent me similar types of links over the last few days- articles, studies and reflections on hanging out with guys you like, who never quite seem to make the move. You think they are into you, you hang out all the time, but nothing ever happens. Then one day they meet someone and you realise that you were actually just their mate. There was no secret ulterior motive to spend all that time chatting to you, ringing you all the time for talks and laughs, hanging out and building all that time together.

Same sex friendships are incredibly important to your own sense of who you are. if you find the majority of people you spend time with are of the opposite sex, perhaps you are feeding off an underlying sense of “this is where i find my worth” or “this makes me feel attractive”

I had a complete and utter ball last year- and was incredibly social. As well as dating more than a few men, most of my close friends were male too. I gave a lot of time, focus and energy to men, but at the same time I was feeding off the fact it felt good to hang around with all those men all the time. I felt validated, it made me feel attractive and it was in some ways a little addictive.

Near the end of last year I decided to remove many of these contacts from my life because I could see I was using those friendships as my wee little pep up squad. Instead of resourcing form inside myself to build my own strength and confidence, in some ways I was relying on theirs. So I got rid of them. – Most I just took out of my phone, while the ones I was closest too I explained why I had to stop seeing them, and stopped. COLD TURKEY.

For about a month I felt completely bereft. I had been spending so much energy on my male friendships that I didn’t have many close female friends but this year that’s changed. Last night I unexpectedly had a free night, and felt a little adrift. All the single parents out there will know those accidental free nights are a godsend. When you don’t get to spend them on something special – when you know you don’t have to budget your time cos the babysitter is on the clock, it can feel a little jarring to not have plans work out. But the coolest thing was I got all these awesome offers from girls to hang out.

In the end a friend came over in her jammies and we drank wine and tea and did a whole lot of frank girl talk and it was awesome. But the very fact I had options from a range of woman (some more established friends, and some almost brand new ones) meant I’m starting to get that balance right again. I know men love having female friends- often because they can’t get that same in depth of interaction with male friends. But I think often for a woman that deep friendship at a purely platonic level is very difficult to maintain. Having a high level of emotional intimacy with a pile of people of the opposite sex can be one of the easiest ways to quietly prevent you from creating a solid new relationship with that one special person. it might be your way of escaping a “proper” relationship.

One side effect from my own decision is that I’ve become a lot stronger in what my expectations are where men are concerned. I’m still a little wavering and still able to be hurt, but I’m getting a lot better at knowing where my boundary lines are. That has come from the female friendships I have made.

This has become my benchmark in knowing whether a relationship (either with a male or female) is healthy and doing me good: I ask myself one question “How do I feel after spending time with this person?”

Last year if felt good with all those men- when I was with them. But when I’d walk away from those moments I would have some unsettled feelings stirring around in me. I had a close female friend around the same time too- and it took a long time ot find our friendship was quietly eroding my confidence.

Now I spend more time with people who I know are authentically loving me- they don’t pamper my ego (well anymore than I pamper theirs!) and they are women I can trust. I don’t need them to reflect who I am – I can just be who I am when I am with them. Same sex friendships are incredibly important for both men and women. And for me, that has been the most life changing lesson I’ve learnt so far this year.

Win two free tickets to Opening Night of God of Carnage

All you need to do is tell me want the tickets below OR tweet this blog post, OR link to it on facebook.

-I will be keeping track!

Winner Announced Sunday at Noon

The play details are below;
 
Double pass to the Monday 27 July at 6.30pm performance of God of Carnage, followed by Metro Q&A with cast, director and Metro’s Arts Editor Frances Morton

GOD OF CARNAGE
 
A COMEDY OF MANNERS…WITHOUT THE MANNERS
 
Yasmina Reza’s elegant, acerbic and witty satire GOD OF CARNAGE is the hottest ticket on Broadway today, having recently added the Tony award for Best Play to the Olivier Award for Best Comedy it won after last year’s sell-out West End run. Now, it’s Auckland’s turn to experience the mayhem as Auckland Theatre Company’s production starring Miranda Harcourt, Peter Elliott, Hera Dunleavy and Dave Fane cuts up the Maidment stage from July 23.
 
With her razor sharp wit and profound understanding of middle class hypocrisy, Reza’s sophisticated brand of satire slices through the fragile pretentions of the educated elite.
 
While her 1995 play ART savaged the meeting point between modern art and branding in a the context of male friendship, GOD OF CARNAGE peels back the thin veneer of diplomatic civility between two politically correct couples who meet to resolve a playground misdemeanor involving their sons and a large stick. As the night rolls on war is declared on politeness and allegiances constantly shift bringing all the adults into conflict with one another.
 
“GOD OF CARNAGE is the funniest play on broadway.” WOR Radio (NEW YORK)
Disruptive, juvenile, irrational. Someone needs to control today’s parents.
Two highly civilised couples meet to sort out their kids’ play-ground fight.
 
What starts as a calm rational debate ends in an hysterically funny night of name-calling, tantrums and tears before bedtime.
 
Boys will be boys but parents are worse. Much worse.
 
“Brutally entertaining” Newsday
 
 
Miranda Harcourt returns to Auckland to play the role of Veronique Vallon, a writer and art historian working on a book about the conflict in Dafur. Lauded as an actress and director for her work in theatre, film, television and radio, Harcourt was last seen onstage with Auckland Theatre Company in SKYLIGHT.
 
Playing opposite Harcourt as Veronique’s salesman made good husband Michel, is Dave Fane. Renowned for his work with the Naked Samoans, Fane is a familiar face to Auckland Theatre Company’s audience having starred in NIU SILA and more recently co-directed WHERE WE ONCE BELONGED with Colin McColl.
 
Auckland Theatre Company stalwarts Peter Elliott and Hera Dunleavy round off the cast as the high powered and legally minded parents of Ferdinand, who stands accused of knocking fellow classmate Bruno’s front teeth out after he’s blocked from joining a playground gang.
 
“Metro magazine is delighted to be the premier sponsor of GOD OF CARNAGE” says Metro editor Bevan Rapson.  “We’ve heard wonderful things about the play and can’t wait to see what Colin McColl and his formidable cast do with it. GOD OF CARNAGE is entertaining, but also thought-provoking. That’s a mix Metro also aims to deliver every issue, so this is a fitting partnership. 
 
“Be sure to pick up our annual ‘Best Schools’ issue on sale Monday (July 6). And look out for the fullpage photo of the Carnage cast.”
 
GOD OF CARNAGE brings the sophistication and chic of contemporary French theatre to Auckland. Tickets can be purchased from the Maidment Theatre on 308 2383 or www.atc.co.nz. 
GOD OF CARNAGE by Yasmina Reza
 
Cast:
Peter Elliot                   Alain Reille
Hera Dunleavy           Annette Reille
Dave Fane                 Michel Vallon
Miranda Harcourt       Veronique Vallon
 
Writer:         Yasmina Reza
Direction:    Colin McColl
Designers: Rachael Walker, Nik Janiurek

Auckland, Maidment Theatre, 23 July – 15 August,
Mon (27 July only) – Wed, 6.30pm
Thur – Sat, 8pm
Sun Afternoons, 4pm
Sat Matinee, 8 August, 2pm
 
Book: 308-2383 or www.atc.co.nz

You could be happy

I remember when this song came out a few years ago. I’d just broken up from my first big relationship since my marriage had ended. I listened to this song again and again and again. Nothing like wallowing in pity through music!

The ironic thing is I’m really the other side of this song in many ways. I’ve really discovered so much about myself since I left my marriage. I felt a weight came off and I was no longer shadowed under the heavy weight of all the marriage stress. I began to feel like I was unfolding, finding myself. I still feel like there has been a gradually opening of myself- to freedom of self, to confidence no matter what. Sure I still have bad days, but that general feeling continues to grow and cement itself inside me

I thought it was due to all the bad stuff going on in my marriage- the violence, the illness, the constant change, worry and stress. But after I got a letter from a friend a realised it’s not the level of bad stuff that reduces our ability to be who we fully are- it can just be the fact the combination of us, and them was just plain not the best option for either of us. This person’s marriage didn’t end for any big factor. It just wasn’t right. 

This is what the person said:

It is just hard for me to come to terms with the fact that somehow I created a shadow so great that she didn’t grow and realise some of her potential.  She is kick arse now

A good relationship will bring out of ourselves more of us than we ever imagine possible. A bad relationship will do the reverse. It doesn’t need to be violent, but a dysfunctional relationship is soul destroying to at least one person in a marriage.

I’ve seen some truly amazing marriages and relationships in the last year. They are full of love, of laughter and a heathy appreciation of both partners. They work

But a bad relationship? it’s better to be single. Happier. Definitely.