Can you love more than one person at the same time?

The very first story in my book Eighty Eight dates is about a polyamorous relationship. I’ve copied it down below so you don’t need to buy the book for JUST one story (or in face sneakily flick through it in the book store to get the juicy story)
I’ve met these three people and they are lovely, normal people- who live as a trouple not a couple.

So could you? Do you think you are monogamous? Or polyamorous? Do youthink you oscillate between the two?

*and for those who want to know why I used the word polyamorous… a polygamist is someone who marries more than one woman… a polyamourus person loves more than one person… there is a difference…

To be honest I had given up on internet dating as a means to finding a life partner. I had just broken up with a woman I had met through a dating website and I was feeling particularly dejected about the short-lived relationship and the painful break-up. (More so because I had gotten along very well with her young son, a bright, personable little boy who needed only a male role-model in his life…)

I shared my feelings and thoughts with an ex-lover with whom I still maintained a strong friendship. (She lived in a different city so was perfect to work things through with.) She said I should seek out female companionship, even if it was for just a “bonk buddy”, to get my mind of what had happened. In particular, she had noticed the profile of a blonde who lived quite close to me, seeking Men for Sexual Meetings.

I wasn’t terribly enthusiastic, but she persisted saying it would be a good idea. A week later, I found myself alone and bored, on a Saturday night. I recalled her ‘ insistence that I meet the blonde from round my way, “to get my mind of things”. It suddenly felt like a good solution. I reactivated my internet dating account on and found the profile she had mentioned. I remained unenthusiastic and realised I didn’t want to go down that path.

By now it was late – nearly midnight. I noticed the option “Who’s Online” and clicked on it. Most were out-of-towners, males, some couples, some bi or lesbian women… and one single woman in the Hutt Valley. It was Karen. I clicked on Karen’s profile and speed-read it.

I clicked on “Send Mail” and wrote,

Hi there. I see there’s someone else awake at this hour with no social life? If you’re not doing anything, let’s go to a cafe and chat.

‘Karen’ replied,

Hi, yes, me too. Can’t go out I’m sorry.

I wrote back,

Oh? It’s only midnight. I promise my car won’t turn into a pumpkin.

Karen wrote,

No, it’s not that. There just aren’t cafes OPEN here!! lol!

I sent back,

Damn. Ok, let’s talk then. Can I phone you? Or you can phone me?

I gave her my number and moments later, my phone rang. It was Karen and her soft, melodic voice sounded as if it came from the most beautiful woman in the world. I hung onto every word she said. We talked, and we talked, and we talked… for five hours. The sun was rising as we realised how long we’d been chatting. It was time to say our goodbyes – but not before Karen and I agreed to meet later that day (Sunday). We just need to get some sleep first.

That Sunday evening, I met Karen for the first time. I looked at her and her bright, wide smile captivated me. She was every bit as beautiful as her sing-song voice had suggested.

Eight years later, we are still together

Our relationship had quickly progressed; I gave up my flat and moved in with Karen, within six months of that fateful first message on NZD. We were comfortable and confident in our sexuality together, and Karen came to the eventual realisation that she was bi-sexual. She was satisfied in her relationship with me, but something was missing…

Karen needed a wife of her own. Inevitably we thought the internet would help us find her. It had worked for both of us. We got back onto a dating site and started searching for a lover, to meet Karen’s needs.

We met many women, and after a year, Karen established a relationship with a woman. At first the relationship was strictly between the two of them. But I was inevitably drawn in, and we became a de facto ‘trouple’.

The relationship last three months, and ended badly. ‘Charity’ had problems forming relationship with people, we found out towards the end, and there were things – secret things – which created barriers toward forming a bond of intimacy and trust.

Half a year later, we met another woman, a solo-mum, bi, and keen to enter into polyamory. But we discovered she had an agenda of her own that involved me; excluded Karen, and added to that mix was dishonesty. We lasted six months as a ‘trouple’.

We had all but given up. We put our dating profile on hold and focused on our own lives together. Two months after our “break-up” with the solo mum, we were invited to a birthday celebration; our friend was holding her birthday dinner at a restaurant.

Our friend was fully aware of our polyamorous lifestyle – and had even expressed an interest in joining our relationship, which we had declined. ‘Penny’ arrived that evening with her male lover; her teenage son; and her flatmate, ‘Ms Friday’…

Ms Friday had not been terribly sympathetic toward our poly lifestyle. Despite never having met us, she believed Karen to be subservient to me, and that I was some mutated form of a male chauvinist pig.

As the evening progressed, Ms Friday chatted amiably with Karen and myself. We were cordial and polite, not knowing Ms Friday’s less-than-positive views about us.

The evening ended well, and Karen and I drove home – not suspecting what lay in store for us…

The next day, we received a text message from our friend; ‘Ms Friday’ was totally enamoured with us and wanted to meet up with us again! We phoned our friend and spoke with her briefly, before she handed the phone over to ‘Ms Friday’.

We could tell she was embarrassed. But we spoke in an off-hand, normal tone, and agreed to meet for lunch that day, in Wellington.

Lunch turned to dinner. Dinner became late supper at our home. Supper became breakfast. It would be fair to say that ‘Ms Friday’ had had a complete change of heart about us. We three dated, and three months later, she moved in with us.

Eighteen months later, we still live together as a happy family. ‘Ms Friday’ is a part of our lives, and we, as part of hers. We have all three of us enriched each others’ lives, and look forward to growing old together.

‘Ms Friday’ has learnt much about us and living in a polyamorous relationship with a man and another woman. She has also learnt one other thing: subservience is the last word with which to describe ‘Karen’.

We still spend time on that dating site, but not add anyone else to our relationship. We’ve made connections with other likeminded people and can see there is real merit in using friendship and dating sites to make connections all over the place.