The gifts men give women during sex

I’m reading a great book by Nikki Gemmel called Pleasure: Almanac for the heart. I’m surprised at how often I’ve picked it up to read it- it’s a collection of thoughts of how she sees women, love, sex and relationships.

Nikki Gemmell wrote a book called The Bride Stripped Bare about a woman who, as a married woman embarks on affairs as part of her sexual discovery and then disappears.

There is a chapter in her book about memorable gifts a man or woman can give during sex (besides all the obvious ones thank you!) and I find it is so accurate…

I have found that with some partners there are people who add to your confidence, and self acceptance, and there are others… who do not. The ones who do inevitably see you are your deepest self as you can relax in their presence. SO everyone benefits.

This is her list:

 

Gifts men can give women in terms of sex:

The partner who teaches a woman to be comfortable with her body

The partner who teaches a woman to love her body. For it will give her a sense of confidence that relaxes and invigorates her and depends her sense of pleasure. Tell her she’s beautiful

The man who knows what he’s doing, who’s touch hums, who is assured, gentle and confident

The man who cherishes women and is not afraid of them. That love for them and their bodies illuminates their own experience

Kindness floors us. When a man is attentive and considerate. Where he listens to what we want, we’re gone

A sense of connecting on the deepest level: within two people, a holiness fluttering in them both

 

I dated a guy earlier in the year who talked to me about him and his twin bother. His twin goes for the beauty on the outside, that outward hotness. The man I dated, while attracted as we all are to beauty, loved seeking out the lively spirit, the heart that smiles, the playfulness of a child. External beauty was just a bonus if he found it.

 

I was talking to a woman last night who is surprised she is so popular with men as she’s not a conventional beauty. But she has that playful, sweet light spirit with a lovely freedom about her, and there really is no wonder than men love being with her. I suspect much of that list above is also the gift she gives them men she is with. And it’s the kind of gift that benefits everyone.

We are often our own worst enemies as women when it comes to body image. We look at our worst points instead of luxuriating in the parts of us that are beautiful. I still stand by my solid belief that confidence is still the most attractive thing both men or women have own.

Let’s talk about oral… (but not too much of the talky talky ;) )

Ok, I was planning a serious chat about when to bring up the fact you have children, want children,hope to never have them at all when you are dating..

But then I found a blog with the title “High-income woman get more oral sex”  and suddenly I felt all that important parenting and dating stuff could wait. (For those of you who really want it- I promise it will be along soon….

So what this woman is saying is research has shown that the more educated you are, the more likely you are to receive oral sex.  There are several reasons for this- I’d say it has to do with the fact more educated women tend to not put up with bad sex as much, and then tend to be able to articulate what they do and don’t like.

The columnist said that she felt women who earn more are more likely toget it too. I dunno.Most of the women I know in full on, high income jobs are too tired to date – let alone shag. And a highly educated person with a PHD is often not the most well paid- especially if her job is in philosophy or history.

One things for certain – it never ceases to amaze me the unfortunate truth is that women are more likely to receive it if they ask for it, whereas men are far more likely to receive it if in fact, they. do. not! Ahhh the twist is cruel in that one.

Having sex just the way you like it.

If everything else is going well in your relationship, but you feel your needs aren’t being met in the bedroom, perhaps it’s time for a little chat with your partner. Of course the idea of talking over the issues of this topic can feel a little self conscious and personal, leaving often easier just to sweep all the emerging problems under the sheets so to speak instead.
 
If you need a little more mmm than hmmm and you’re finding you are either trying avoidance strategies or a little non verbal sulking, all you’re doing is creating bigger problems that will move outside the bedroom.
 
“Good”girls are often bad bedroom negotiators. We may be able to negotiate a contract, but when it comes to talking about our sex lives with our partner, we vastly prefer going a little silent instead. Often it comes down to a fear that your partner should just instinctively know how to please you if he loves you. If you’re not getting the loving you want, it can feel he perhaps doesn’t love you the way you think he should.
 
However like any other part of our relationship, sometimes all your partner needs is a little bit of information and education about what you like and want. Keeping quiet is essentially the same as saying everything is ok. Much as we’d like them to be, our men are not magical mind readers.
 
Talking about sexual preferences does take a lot of guts. However if you are considerate and careful, you and your partner can open up the beginnings of a great line of communication about a very important part of your relationship.
 
Before you begin, look at the problem overall. Is your bedroom a battleground for other problems? Is this actually about sex or is it instead about his work levels, his preference for rugby to spending time with you or his decision to spend all your eating out money on a new IPod? Take a look about when your sex life began to bother you. Is it linked to a non sexual conflict?
 
Once you’ve determined it isn’t about other, bigger issues, and then you can focus and work on the sexual issues. If instead you find it is about something else, consider dealing with those other issues first before touching such a potentially flammable topic as your most intimate moments.
 
Steps for talking about sex with your partner.
1. Don’t talk about it in your bedroom, or at your sex times. Give prior warning of the topic so you don’t spring it on them at the last minute.
2. Expect him to feel anxious. It’s a sensitive topic!
3. Make the time a place where you both feel comfortable, clothed and private. A crowded café is probably not the best place to discuss the topic.
4. Create some ground rules. Limit the talk to an hour, and come prepared.
5. Be as direct and to the point as possible. This isn’t a time to beat around the bush and be non specific.
6. Let him respond and let him do so without interrupting him at all.
7. Realise opening up this conversation may lead you to also hearing things about your sex life he may want changed.
8. Try to find a common ground that you both find happy with.
9. Be honest if there is anything he does that turns you off completely
10. Be considerate of his feelings. No one likes feeling like they are being assessed. There is a fair amount of performance anxiety involved and it’s a sensitive topic.
11. One talk isn’t going to solve all your issues. Accept this is a process and change is going to take time and a fair few meetings.
12. Change will either bring opportunity or danger. Before you broach the subject, do consider the potential ramifications of both the request and his potential acceptance of your request.
 
Above everything, remember to stay calm, focussed and brave. If you are with someone in a committed relationship, there is nothing wrong in asking your partner for what you want. While they are equally allowed to say no, finding a happy middle ground will bring you both the greatest satisfaction

Who needs friends when you have frenemies…

If you are feeling low about yourself it might be a good idea to take look at the people around you. Sometimes when we have mood dips we blame circumstance or hormones, or mental health issues. But it might just be the company you keep.

I had a good friend who I spent alot of time with. She was someone I liked immensely, and we spent most of our free time together. However the more time I spent with her,the less confident I became i myself. I couldn’t work it out. She was always complimenting me about something, and we had alot of fun together. But the more time I spent with her the more I’d feel tired, low, and revert to habits I’d worked hard to break such as eating food that isn’t good for me,or not wanting to interact with others in new social situations. The more time I spent with her,the less attractive i felt, the less confidence I had.

One day I heard her compliment me as she always did but I realised as she gave me something she also took something away. For example instead of saying I looked nice she said “You look nice today, you normally look so tired” or… “I like the way you did your hair today, it’s better than the way you normally have it”

The thing was, I didn’t realise that she was undermining my confidence all the time. I began to notice she did it as every comment. And as  did two things happened. The first was it didn’t really affect me as much anymore. But i also realised that spending alot of time with her wasn’t really good for me. So I stopped.

Within days I felt better. Having someone else undermine you, even if you aren’t aware they are doing it, can really strip your confidence. And this can have wide reaching impacts over the rest of your relationships and life. I’ve always said confidence is the sexiest thing you can where- and I worked out how to get my confidence mojo back.

I now trust the way I feel when I spend time with people. A person who is kind and has your best interests at heart is a person worth spending and investing alot of time with. And you’ll walk away feeling better about yourself when you do. The others- well they say keep your enemies close. But I suggest those frenemies are probably best left at a safe distance. Less poisonous that way.

Dating a Needy Man

I hesitate to put a disclaimer on my blogs but this one needs two. First: I have dated needy men in the past, but please if I’ve dated you and you’re reading this, it’s not ALWAYS about you- so don’t think it is… and Second: Yes. I too have been needy at times- especially when I was trying to get my head around dating or was just SO surprised that I actually liked someone after not for such a long time

Neediness stems of course from insecurity. We are not sure of ourselves, we don’t like being alone, or we don’t know how to keep ourselves happy as a singleton. It’s all part of the journey.

I used to be able to spot the newly separated a mile off. These are the neediest of the bunch. They have often lost the cook, the cleaner and the looker afterer in one foul swoop and it’s like a craving need to find another. Some of these people find another person missing the female equivalent and they’re together fast and living together after the second date.

Part of me thinks that’s a shame. Learning to love your single status is so much apart of learning to love your own space and freedom. It’s part of us enjoying our own company. I know of an elderly widower who is so lonely he will often cry himself to sleep wanting female company. Our drive to be with others is huge, and normal,. but learning to live with ourselves and enjoy our own space is such an important part of our own joy and contentment.

The other newly separated men I used to see were looking to play the field. They thought they wer elooking for a relationship, but really the need was for a wee shagathon to get a bit of angst out of the system, and then a relationship could be in order (skank year anyone?)

These ones were obvious to spot. They leaked neediness into their coffee cups. You could almost smell it. They were the compulsive texters, not giving up even if you had long done so. They sometimes get angry if you don’t progress it as fast as they like.

Singleness can suck sometimes. And it’s normal to want to be in a relationship. Relationships are actually quite nice! But when it’s to cure or fix up all the gaping holes in our own fears and hurts… it’s not so good. No one likes a needy man… (or woman)

Can you love more than one person at the same time?

The very first story in my book Eighty Eight dates is about a polyamorous relationship. I’ve copied it down below so you don’t need to buy the book for JUST one story (or in face sneakily flick through it in the book store to get the juicy story)
I’ve met these three people and they are lovely, normal people- who live as a trouple not a couple.

So could you? Do you think you are monogamous? Or polyamorous? Do youthink you oscillate between the two?

*and for those who want to know why I used the word polyamorous… a polygamist is someone who marries more than one woman… a polyamourus person loves more than one person… there is a difference…

To be honest I had given up on internet dating as a means to finding a life partner. I had just broken up with a woman I had met through a dating website and I was feeling particularly dejected about the short-lived relationship and the painful break-up. (More so because I had gotten along very well with her young son, a bright, personable little boy who needed only a male role-model in his life…)

I shared my feelings and thoughts with an ex-lover with whom I still maintained a strong friendship. (She lived in a different city so was perfect to work things through with.) She said I should seek out female companionship, even if it was for just a “bonk buddy”, to get my mind of what had happened. In particular, she had noticed the profile of a blonde who lived quite close to me, seeking Men for Sexual Meetings.

I wasn’t terribly enthusiastic, but she persisted saying it would be a good idea. A week later, I found myself alone and bored, on a Saturday night. I recalled her ‘ insistence that I meet the blonde from round my way, “to get my mind of things”. It suddenly felt like a good solution. I reactivated my internet dating account on and found the profile she had mentioned. I remained unenthusiastic and realised I didn’t want to go down that path.

By now it was late – nearly midnight. I noticed the option “Who’s Online” and clicked on it. Most were out-of-towners, males, some couples, some bi or lesbian women… and one single woman in the Hutt Valley. It was Karen. I clicked on Karen’s profile and speed-read it.

I clicked on “Send Mail” and wrote,

Hi there. I see there’s someone else awake at this hour with no social life? If you’re not doing anything, let’s go to a cafe and chat.

‘Karen’ replied,

Hi, yes, me too. Can’t go out I’m sorry.

I wrote back,

Oh? It’s only midnight. I promise my car won’t turn into a pumpkin.

Karen wrote,

No, it’s not that. There just aren’t cafes OPEN here!! lol!

I sent back,

Damn. Ok, let’s talk then. Can I phone you? Or you can phone me?

I gave her my number and moments later, my phone rang. It was Karen and her soft, melodic voice sounded as if it came from the most beautiful woman in the world. I hung onto every word she said. We talked, and we talked, and we talked… for five hours. The sun was rising as we realised how long we’d been chatting. It was time to say our goodbyes – but not before Karen and I agreed to meet later that day (Sunday). We just need to get some sleep first.

That Sunday evening, I met Karen for the first time. I looked at her and her bright, wide smile captivated me. She was every bit as beautiful as her sing-song voice had suggested.

Eight years later, we are still together

Our relationship had quickly progressed; I gave up my flat and moved in with Karen, within six months of that fateful first message on NZD. We were comfortable and confident in our sexuality together, and Karen came to the eventual realisation that she was bi-sexual. She was satisfied in her relationship with me, but something was missing…

Karen needed a wife of her own. Inevitably we thought the internet would help us find her. It had worked for both of us. We got back onto a dating site and started searching for a lover, to meet Karen’s needs.

We met many women, and after a year, Karen established a relationship with a woman. At first the relationship was strictly between the two of them. But I was inevitably drawn in, and we became a de facto ‘trouple’.

The relationship last three months, and ended badly. ‘Charity’ had problems forming relationship with people, we found out towards the end, and there were things – secret things – which created barriers toward forming a bond of intimacy and trust.

Half a year later, we met another woman, a solo-mum, bi, and keen to enter into polyamory. But we discovered she had an agenda of her own that involved me; excluded Karen, and added to that mix was dishonesty. We lasted six months as a ‘trouple’.

We had all but given up. We put our dating profile on hold and focused on our own lives together. Two months after our “break-up” with the solo mum, we were invited to a birthday celebration; our friend was holding her birthday dinner at a restaurant.

Our friend was fully aware of our polyamorous lifestyle – and had even expressed an interest in joining our relationship, which we had declined. ‘Penny’ arrived that evening with her male lover; her teenage son; and her flatmate, ‘Ms Friday’…

Ms Friday had not been terribly sympathetic toward our poly lifestyle. Despite never having met us, she believed Karen to be subservient to me, and that I was some mutated form of a male chauvinist pig.

As the evening progressed, Ms Friday chatted amiably with Karen and myself. We were cordial and polite, not knowing Ms Friday’s less-than-positive views about us.

The evening ended well, and Karen and I drove home – not suspecting what lay in store for us…

The next day, we received a text message from our friend; ‘Ms Friday’ was totally enamoured with us and wanted to meet up with us again! We phoned our friend and spoke with her briefly, before she handed the phone over to ‘Ms Friday’.

We could tell she was embarrassed. But we spoke in an off-hand, normal tone, and agreed to meet for lunch that day, in Wellington.

Lunch turned to dinner. Dinner became late supper at our home. Supper became breakfast. It would be fair to say that ‘Ms Friday’ had had a complete change of heart about us. We three dated, and three months later, she moved in with us.

Eighteen months later, we still live together as a happy family. ‘Ms Friday’ is a part of our lives, and we, as part of hers. We have all three of us enriched each others’ lives, and look forward to growing old together.

‘Ms Friday’ has learnt much about us and living in a polyamorous relationship with a man and another woman. She has also learnt one other thing: subservience is the last word with which to describe ‘Karen’.

We still spend time on that dating site, but not add anyone else to our relationship. We’ve made connections with other likeminded people and can see there is real merit in using friendship and dating sites to make connections all over the place.

Ten ways to tell you’re a stalker

There is now such a fine line between stalking and seeking someone out. It’s a bit of a shame in some ways that the threat of stalker has taken out so much fun out of the tracking someone down and asking them out process.
I love the fact some men and women don’t care- they just go find that person and contact them. But if you are worried you might have stalker attributes check below- and work it out.

1. You get mates rates with your local wedding planner for planning meetings, though you’ve used them for four potential husbands in the last year.

2. You know how to get hold of your new boyfriend no matter where he is. You’ve got his cell, his home, his work numbers, his facebook contact, his email, not to mention all the numbers for his extended family and three best friends: and you’ve only been out on three dates together

3. You’re so glad for free texts. It means you can send little updates to him through the day. You know, first thoughts on waking, getting dressed, eating breakfast, driving to work…And he’s expected to answer of course- or it isn’t a conversation!

4. Your best friend’s got his work number on speed dial. She’s the “Just Ring to Check He’s Really at Work” go to girl

5. Three of your friends started a private investigation company knowing your custom alone was going to keep them afloat. A girls gotta do background checks right?

6. You met him on the internet but is he still grazing? There’s only one way to tell- you stay up for all hours checking whether he’s popped back onto the dating site. And if he does, you can always test him with one of you seven alternate profiles.

7. It’s awesome his house is on route to the Supermarket. Well, it’s on route to the supermarket twenty minutes away. And that one of course has the very best..um…milk!

8. You’ve always been a little meticulous. So mapping out his day so you know his habits is important right? That’s why it’s important to know it take five and a half minutes for him to walk from his car to his office, and he’s likely to stop for a coffee at the BP on the way home.

9. You’ve created a blog about him. It’s good to post photos, so you’ve got them aplenty. There’s the “here he is getting out of bed, shot through the curtains” and the “I had to hire a crane, but I got him at his office on the seventh floor” and “It’s a bit unclear, but that’s his hand in the corner of the shot as his car raced down the motorway”

10. You KNOW you love him. He’s THE ONE. He can’t see it? Pfft. He’ll come around!

*this was first published in M2 Woman Oct 08.

I want a tim tam kind of life- ditching the gingernuts

I’m currently on a no sugar, wheat free programme (which is going pretty well- I made some corn tortillas for lunch today, but then spread a wee bit of jam on them which of course ruins the whole no sugar thing…)

So I’m not really hitting the tim tams- or the gingernuts (though oh my goodness the gluten free food show had so many goodies this weekend. But that is a digression…)

I do want a tim tam kind of life however. I went to see a friend play at the Wine Cellar on K Road on Saturday. Andy Gibson is one of my favourite friends, and I love watching him play. He was opening for a guy from Dunedin called Tono. (You can download a free copy of his EP from www.tono.co.nz though of course the song I’m talking about ain’t on there! Though the daffodils song is also hilarious as is no7 blonde.)

Tono was very listenable to- a dry wit aka FOTC, with a quirky way to lyrically discuss love, life and well… economics. But the song that reverberated with me (and with an old friend who has also lived in small towns) was the song about tim tams and superwines and gingernuts.

A superwine and gingernut kind of life is certainly a conventional one. It’s the boy meets girl at 18 (or thereabouts) boy marries girl, buys a house, has children and they live a happy (but squishingly small) life forever and a day after. It’s the kind of contented life you get when nothing ever changes, and you live happily ever after. You may not have a lot of changes in your life but hey- it’s a hard enough dealing with the melodrama of the little things.

A tim tam kind of life is a little more complex. There maybe times when you can’t afford that packet of tim tams but you know you’ll enjoy them all the more when you do. It’s a bit of a roller coaster of adventure, and sometimes you teeter on near disaster, but it’s a more exciting, unconventional life.

I’ve always been a tim tam kind of girl. I admire those who like the superwine lifestyle more. But it’s just not me. It does mean I’m less likely to get that white picket fence happy ending, but I figure you got to be the person you are- some people are happy with the gingernuts (and that is COMPLETELY OK,) and others, like me, are prepared to skip the chance of every day biscuits for that once in a while tim tam moment.

It all comes down to preference really. What’s yours? Which one do you prefer to have hiding in your cupboards?

Wooing with some words and a bit of online flirting

Yesterday someone pointed me to the love letters of John Keats. I’ve copied and pasted one for you to read below- though I’m writing about it first as I know for a large amount of readers, all that lovey dovey sparkly word stuff is going to throw you into anaphylactic shock- and then you may never come to my blog again.

I’ve long been a believer in our new technologies helping us to forge relationships better and faster because what we’ve done is gone back to getting to know each other through the written word.

Sure for some of is, that’s been bastardized with text speak and the fact (unless like me you send 6 part texts…) you are limited to either 140 to 160 characters (depending on whether you are a tweeter or a texter) and then there is the fact that unlike a letter, you can reread your own writing, and agonize after sending…but it’s one of the very best ways to get to know someone.

I think our brains work differently when we are writing our feelings and thoughts as opposed to saying them. We are often far more straight forward and honest in our communications. Where I think it all falls down is with internet dating or facebook stalking, we often don’t get to eyeball the person until we’ve managed to create some sense of feelings and then the person may not be the person we imagined.

I come from a long line of people who courted by letter. While some people do get burned, and hurt when they get sucked into conmen and fraudsters, it is still one of the very best ways to get to know someone. (and come on, if someone is asking you to send money it’s not really kosher is it?) And the letter below is testament to the fact it allows many people to share their feelings in a way that they would think would be over the top face to face.

So go the emails, the texts, the letters (I wrote someone a handwritten letter earlier this year- and you know what? That rocked in terms of being able to communicate in a way I wouldn’t have face ot face. Let’s bring back some of that retro letter writing too!)
It’s a great way to connect….

By the way- I’d love to come up with a 21st Century version of this letter- I think it could be funny. Any ideas how to reduce it down to a text length version?

July 8th, 1819
July 8th
My sweet girl,
Your Letter gave me more delight, than any thing in the world but yourself could do; indeed I am almost astonished that any absent one should have that luxurious power over my senses which I feel.
Even when I am not thinking of you I receive your influence and a tenderer nature steeling upon me. All my thoughts, my unhappiest days and nights have I find not at all cured me of my love of Beauty, but made it so intense that I am miserable that you are not with me: or rather breathe in that dull sort of patience that cannot be called Life. I never knew before, what such a love as you have made me feel, was; I did not believe in it; my Fancy was afraid of it, lest it should burn me up.
But if you will fully love me, though there may be some fire, ’twill not be more than we can bear when moistened and bedewed with Pleasures. You mention ‘horrid people’ and ask me whether it depend upon them whether I see you again. Do understand me, my love, in this. I have so much of you in my heart that I must turn Mentor when I see a chance of harm befalling you. I would never see any thing but Pleasure in your eyes, love on your lips, and Happiness in your steps.
I would wish to see you among those amusements suitable to your inclinations and spirits; so that our loves might be a delight in the midst of Pleasures agreeable enough, rather than a resource from vexations and cares. But I doubt much, in case of the worst, whether I shall be philosopher enough to follow my own Lessons: if I saw my resolution give you a pain I could not. Why may I not speak of your Beauty, since without that I could never have lov’d you.
I cannot conceive any beginning of such love as I have for you but Beauty. There may be a sort of love for which, without the least sneer at it, I have the highest respect and can admire it in others: but it has not the richness, the bloom, the full form, the enchantment of love after my own heart. So let me speak of your Beauty, though to my own endangering; if you could be so cruel to me as to try elsewhere its Power.
You say you are afraid I shall think you do not love me – in saying this you make me ache the more to be near you. I am at the diligent use of my faculties here, I do not pass a day without sprawling some blank verse or tagging some rhymes; and here I must confess, that, (since I am on that subject,) I love you the more in that I believe you have liked me for my own sake and for nothing else.
I have met with women whom I really think would like to be married to a Poem and to be given away by a Novel. I have seen your Comet, and only wish it was a sign that poor Rice would get well whose illness makes him rather a melancholy companion: and the more so as so to conquer his feelings and hide them from me, with a forc’d Pun.
I kiss’d your Writing over in the hope you had indulg’d me by leaving a trace of honey – What was your dream? Tell it me and I will tell you the interpretation thereof.
Ever yours, my love!
John Keats.

Well it’s kind of inappropriate….

I don’t think I’ve ever been a purist when expecting men to suddenly stop looking at other women or flirting, or even glimpsing the odd provocative image when “accidentally” typing in the phrase “hot girls xxx” into Google.

After talking to hundreds of both married and single men over the last few years in depth about how they see relationships, women, sex and working it all in together I’ve become even more convinced that men need a little “inappropriate behavior” even in the context of a happy and solid relationship.
*btw, women need it too, though only some women choose to operate their right to have it*

I do think that the reason so many men end up cheating, becoming addicted to porn/ or on the edge sexual behavior or doing things beyond the basic innocence of looking and the odd flirtation is that there is not enough women relaxing into talking it over with their partner, and understanding it isn’t about that person not being totally into them.

I still believe in monogamy. I still believe you can find someone you want to be with for the rest of your life. However I no longer believe that “perfection” is all about pretending nothing else is going on around you in terms of attraction and curiosity.

Come on girls- trust your men enough to let them take a peek at a few “things” now and again, and men, trust that we don’t mind, and it’s ok to talk about it with us girls.(though don’t do what a friend did and go home every day with a list of hot women he’d seen, wondering why it was impacting the relationship. we don’t want SPECIFICS. We want general guidelines) I think so much goes wrong because we just are not honest enough with each other to talk about our own needs and desires. And that’s just selling everyone short.

Do people cross the line? Yes. I’ve had a few experiences myself where married or attached men have flirted and tried it on with me, without telling me they are married. Those men are treading a fine line of what is inappropriate and what is dangerous. if a guy is married, the flirting is different – you appreciate but don’t take it anywhere destructive.

There are some men who become addicted to the thrill of seeking new attention, or to watching more and more porn or some other aspect of sexual curiosity. And then this can be a huge destructive force instead of adding a bit of healthy tension and interest into the relationship.

So instead, sit down with your partner and work out your couple “inappropriate behavior” guidelines. Then perhaps everyone’s going to start feeling a little more satisfied.

*oh, and to add a little spice to this….. I’m a big believer in the truth that you should not expect your partner to be monogamous if you are not having sex with them yourself (as in long term partnerships) If you don’t want to have sex with them, it’s not fair to expect they will just do without. Talk it out, and work out a solution. Or cope with indiscretions.